Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE weddings. I’ve been a soft romantic at heart for many, MANY years. I sort of fell into the wedding industry 30 years ago, when I did a couple of string quartet gigs, and then didn’t do anything wedding related for a while. Then, I “fell back into” the industry when I was 2nd Shooter for a friend.

Immediately. Freakin. Addicted.

I set up my wedding photography business and loved it, deeply. I travelled the world, somehow, getting bookings in places I couldn’t even comprehend (several European locations? Thailand?? Wtf?) and didn’t touch my cello for nearly 10 years, no regrets.

I was DONE with cello, and the mental damage being inflicted on me by people whom I thought were my friends.

Randomly (hah!) one day, I was ready to come back. I was ready to return to cello. I can’t remember what the particular trigger was, I just knew I was ready to play again. Find an orchestra, find some people, and play.

Which…was hilariously ironic, given it was orchestras and people who made me want to quit.

And then I had a lightbulb moment – I lifted the photography out of my business, and replaced it, for the most part, with cello. I made and bought as much “pretty” clothing as I could, sourced sheet music left, right, and centre, transcribed everything and anything I could think of, booked myself into some high end wedding shows, and went at it.

That stand – in fact, that whole wedding show, cost me around £4k. Money I didn’t have, but trusted I would eventually make back.

Whaddya know – within 3 months of launching, I had bookings up and down the country. I was STILL in weddings, and LOVING THEM. The first one I booked was in a forest on some private land, in Huddersfield.

(I really want to Photoshop that music stand out of the photo, dammit.)

I made the decision to do the thing.

(Turns out, years later, I’d discover I was desperately searching for something I wanted. THAT, is a whole other story.)

I remember figuring out ways to elevate myself; aim higher, bigger and better venues, more appreciative clients, more income so I could survive and keep going. But I kept hitting walls and ceilings, without fully realising what those walls and ceilings were.

Many musicians WILDLY undervalue themselves. Many people hiring musicians end up reflecting that same sentiment. Ergo…many musicians are WILDLY and repeatedly underpaid. FML.

I was doing everything to be awesome. Custom requests, travelling ANYWHERE, beautiful dresses, personalised videos – I somehow wonder how I didn’t break, repeatedly, after driving 3 hours one way for a 30 minute gig. Aaaaannnnnd then trying not to fall asleep at the wheel on the way home.

Have you ever had a microsleep? On the motorway?? SCARY SHIT.

Around a year ago, interestingly around the same time I broke up with the guy I was DEAD-ASS CERTAIN I was going to spend the rest of my life with, I realised I wasn’t feeling the weddings vibe like I used to. There were too many things I was no longer enjoying. Including, but not limited to:

The pay
The grind
The travelling
The hustling
The pay

I somehow couldn’t afford to charge more, because that meant my work fell off and I had ACTUALLY ZERO INCOME. I wasn’t ready to start teaching cello, and my coaching had dried up because I was letting too many other people dictate my business.

(Including the recent ex. 😭)

I hated having to market every last thing I did, in order to stay seen, in order to book weddings. The social networking was crippling me. Constantly updating instagram felt like I’d been shackled to an invisible power. Creativity was scheduled, and organised, and structured, and exhausting. Somewhere along the way, I stopped sharing for FUN, and started sharing because I HAD to. Which meant the resentment came out in SPADES, because I couldn’t seem to simply enjoy anything, just for me and my clients.

Sooooo…I’m kinda quitting.

Actually, I…just…choose to quit all of that. The grind, the hustle, the stifling of my creativity, the struggle of being paid enough…

I literally made the decision to quit pushing so hard in ALL aspects of my wedding business – consequently, my entire business on cello as it stood at the time – and just not push any more. I am CHOOSING the things which LIGHT ME TF UP. It will DEFFO be session work (OneOrchestra, Symphonic Ibiza, impromptu orchestra stuff, recordings), and transcribing sheet music. Also posting tutorials on cosmicgirlie TikTok and YouTube (omg I LOVE how those 5 Min Cover Tutorials have taken off??!) and YouTube when I remember. Coaching creative women to live out loud, because I LOVE coaching and I’m bloody good at what I do

I am 47 years old and I am TIRED. I made the decision to appreciate the incredible run I’ve had in the last ten years –

(Bridgerton? Alicia Keys?? Amanda Holden??? Olympic Team GB???? Princess Anne????? Flown first class to perform solo, live, in Texas?????? Yeah, I reckon I’ve done alright.)

– and no longer “chase” a dream when I didn’t even know what the dream looked like.

I made the decision to step back and evaluate.

I made the decision to choose freedom. It’s been a long time coming. I can still do the weddings, but I choose MYSELF at the same time.

It feels good! It feels terrifying. It feels EXPANSIVE.

Which is exactly what I wanted, so it’s all good. Y’know?

Ok, now I have to go and tuft a rug for my foster Guide Dog Edwards, because he won’t jump into the boot of my car.

IYKYK.

PS