• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content

cosmicgirlie

spouting all the crap you never say out loud.

  • Home
  • Cosmicgirlie Crafts – Shop
  • It’s ME!
  • Say hi
  • Blog

Thoughts

Pegs And Holes

June 22, 2018 by cosmicgirlie Leave a Comment

I Was just in the middle of blogging some crap, and didn’t really know what I wanted to say. So I deleted it. (Ahhhhhhhh censorship, I can fucking well do without that.)

Then The Mr literally just came in 20 seconds ago and said,

You know, you get smacked down so much. And you always get back up again. And I’m proud of you, because that’s really amazing. I just wanted to tell you that.”

(Not many people tell me this; not many people say those words to me, I guess because they don’t always see the smackdowns.)

I don’t get up nearly as fast as I like – I used to literally bounce right back up. But now I take my time, because there are lessons to learn, knowledge to gain, and power to use.

So that’s what I’m doing at the moment.

Everything on the surface looks a bit shit, but underneath? Holy crap, underneath there is SO MUCH going on. And I’m hanging on to that, because it’s giving me strength.

I’m not excelling where people seemingly expect me to excel, and I’m not doing the things people seem to assume I “should be doing”. Mostly because (as my now deleted post started), I wasn’t designed to do the same old stuff as everyone else. I’ve always thought differently, seen differently, approached differently – I’ve been hyper aware of how different I am. And thankfully, finally, I’ve come to realise that it’s probably A Good Thing.

I couldn’t fit in if I bloody well tried, and, I have tried so much. But that was my mistake. And I’m done with trying to fit in, because…well, I don’t bloody fit, do I?

Filed Under: Beginnings, Thoughts

Too legit…

June 19, 2018 by cosmicgirlie Leave a Comment

Dark Sakura Shinku Hadoken

I don’t know how to quit. I’m not a quitter. I know when to walk away because something is over, and I see that as a huge difference to quitting.

People are allllllllways asking me “Jay how the hell do you do so much stuff? What can’t you do?”

I do so much stuff because, quite simply, I can. I literally don’t have time to listen to people telling me what I can and can’t do. So I go off and do the things I want to do, be the things I want to be, see the things I want to see.

It’s a wonderful thing called “determination”. And I’d like to think I’m one of the most determined motherfuckers you might ever meet. (My mother calls it “being stubborn and determined”. I like to think it’s a fine balance of those two things, plus a bunch of other stuff.)

I don’t set out in life to be some kind of over-achiever. But, I’ve known from day damn one that my entire life was going to be an uphill battle. I mean, I was born a black female in a white-man’s Britain for crying out loud. Then as it turned out, I didn’t care much for sticking purely with the reggae and soul music foist upon me by my dad, preferring to listen to everything and anything (including garage, house, rock, indie, pop, and especially classical music). And then most of my friends were white or Asian; the few black friends I had were – well, there was a black girl who played cello who disappeared off the planet, and I black guy whom I was literally in love with for years but it was never gonna happen because he was a stud, and I was a geek.

(Years, Mr B. Freaking YEARS. Damn you and your handsome, super popular, high-school-jock ways.)

Then the recurring pattern of being told “Jay you’re a brilliant cellist!” and then in the same breath “yeah we’re kicking you out of xyz because insert-fucking-ridiculous-and-sometimes-racist-reason-here”.

It’s not that I purposely made things “difficult” for myself, either. By the time I made it to age 10-ish and realised there was something wrong with my head (discovering 8 years later I’d been suffering from depression), I could see life was repeatedly going to throw shit-balls at me.

I had to grow an armour of fucking titanium, throw myself out into the world, and find my way.

It became apparent very quickly that very few people had genuine faith in me. I wasn’t sure why, at the time. Though looking back, maybe a lot of it was for the reasons listed above. And none of it, absolutely none of it made sense at the time.

I had to fight. I had to learn to fight excruciatingly difficult battles, every single step of the way. When you’re 16 years old, and even forcing yourself to wake up and get out of bed is a battle, you discover your strengths very quickly. When you’ve stared hell and all it’s brimstone directly in the face, when you’ve bathed in its lava pits and survived, when you’ve literally died repeatedly and somehow always come back, you realise just how strong you are.

You also realise that, at the end of the day, you can pretty much achieve anything you like. Some things might seem impossible, some things will be taken away, and some things will serve no purpose to you at all.

I’ve found that out.

I’ve tried to do a number of things which have served me no purpose whatsoever. I’ve put my name down for stuff I needn’t have done, I’ve tried to join things which were of no use to me, and tried to partake in stuff which, quite frankly, would have taken me in completely the wrong direction. (Including taking me back a few steps, rather than progressing forward.)

I know why I’ve done these things. I like to…well…I like to test myself, to see where my boundaries lie, to see if the goal posts of my life have expanded a little. It’s important, for me, because complacency and comfort are really fucking dull. I don’t have time for those things, At All.

I’m not religious. I don’t believe in “one god”, or any god. But I do believe that we have the power to control our own lives entirely. I don’t believe in coincidence, or in happy accidents. I believe in fate, I believe everything happens for a reason, and I especially believe that we can take those moments, turn them around, and own them “like a bawse“.

Even the shit that gets thrown at me. And I need to remember that, as someone who is like one of those end level bosses that just will not fucking die already, I’ll mostly likely sit with that shit for a little while, realise it’s not even my shit to deal with, get the fuck back up, throw that shit down, and be all:

Dark Sakura Shinku Hadoken

(That’s a Shinku Hadoken, to you and me.)

I’ll keep fighting. I’ll always keep fighting, because I have to. No one – and I do mean no one – can tell me what I can and can’t do. Unless it’s something like, I dunno, become the king of Scotland.

(I don’t think that’s something I’d want to do anyway, but I’d bet if I reeeeeeeally put my mind to it, I could make it happen somehow. Even as I’m typing this, my brain is already figuring out a way…)

For me, nothing is impossible. (Almost nothing? Absolutely nothing? I don’t know. I’ve not tried everything, soooooo.)

The wake up call was my recent rejection for a course at the Conservatoire; they stated “you’re not quite ready (can we suggest a year of study with us first, then reapply?), also, you being a mom of 2 suggests you probably won’t have enough time to dedicate to your profession.”

Shit like this quite literally gives me more strength, more ammunition, to fight harder, and go at things a different way.

I’ve been stalking cellist Zoë Keating for a while, and her twitter bio is something which screams at me, every single goddamn day.

When all the doors are closed sometimes you’re better off making your own building.

Doors close in my face every goddamn day. All the time. However, I spend a loooooot of time looking into the other doors which are still very much wide open. The fact is, if I set my sights on something, as I have done many times in my life, I won’t be quitting any time soon. I will not step back, or stand down, or move over, or whatever. I set my goals because I want to live my fullest life, because I respect the importance of being me. If there’s something I want, and people want to stand in my way, then that’s absolutely fine. I know why people want to stand in my way, and I never ever take it personally; because someone else’s behaviour is never my problem (unless I taught them to behave that way. I’m hoping like crazy that I’m better than that, though). Even more so, being pushed down only serves to make me stronger, because it’s an exercise in getting the fuck back up again. Fuck knows I’ve done that enough times. Sometimes I’ll leap up, sometimes I’ll crawl up, sometimes I’ll sit there in a fucking daze, trying to process wtf just happened.

But I’ll always get back up.

I’m not a quitter. And no one can tell me when to quit.

Filed Under: Thoughts

Beliefs, Forgiveness, and Closure

June 13, 2018 by cosmicgirlie

Dear ****

I forgive you for taking out your frustrations on me. I forgive you for mistaking my concern over our friendship as harassment. I forgive you for misunderstanding me so, so much, and blowing everything out of proportion to the point where everything is confusing for you. I forgive you for making me feel absolutely horrendous, and I forgive you for the things you said about me.

I forgive you. Not for you, but for me. I forgive you because hate is just another way of holding on, and you don’t belong here any more.*

J

~~~~~~~

Dear ****

I forgive you for lashing out at me. I forgive you completely misunderstanding who I am, even though you don’t know me in the slightest. I forgive you for the things you’ve said about me, both to my face, and behind my back. I forgive you for not believing in me. I forgive you for trying to silence me, for trying to make me smaller, for trying to tell me my dreams weren’t valid.

I forgive you. Not for you, but for me. I forgive you because hate is just another way of holding on, and you don’t belong here any more.*

J

*Beau Taplin

Filed Under: Thoughts

Backwards To Go Forwards

September 11, 2016 by cosmicgirlie Leave a Comment

Rehearsing with Birmingham Philharmonic Orchestra later this morning. Last time I played with them was about 15 years ago.

I seem to be delving horribly closer and closer to (but still not even yet reached the core of) a past life I still can’t seem to deal with. I had forgotten what panic attacks felt like; it feels weird exercising everything within my puny power to battle through this, and not just retreat instead.

Sometimes I wish I knew how to quit stuff easily.

(I am DESPERATELY hoping people will not tell me “oh you’ll be fine”; that’s akin to telling me to “keep my chin up” when the Black Dog is sitting on my head.)

(Also, it would be a terrible thing to throw up over my cello, right? I’m thinking I should avoid doing that.)

Filed Under: Depression, Music, Thoughts

They’re Just Flowers

July 3, 2016 by cosmicgirlie Leave a Comment

Ahw.. man. All the soloists got a bunch of flowers last night, and got applauded by the orchestra AND the audience. It never occurred to me to imagine what that’s like, because I’m so used to giving the well deserved recognition to other soloists. It’s the least we can do!

But to be on the receiving end of that…damn. To finish playing, and have people applaud you, and then you walk off stage too early cos you’re thinking “I really should clear off now, it’s someone else’s turn…” only to have someone (cello partner Sally) stage whisper my name really loudly, turn around and see you’re supposed to take the thanks, AND get some flowers…

To a lot of soloists, it’s standard practice. Maybe it’s the norm. Maybe it’s expected. But I could never expect that, perhaps because I’ve spent so long thinking I shouldn’t deserve that. I shouldn’t deserve the recognition, because it seems I’m an asshole of a person, and a shite cellist. Shouldn’t deserve the recognition, or the praise, or the simple act of being given a bunch of flowers as a way of congratulations, or even “thanks for playing”. That’s what I’ve been led to believe for how many years.

I’ve learned a lot during my time in the industry, and most of it was learned in the wrong way, which left me sad and broken, confused, hurt, and mostly, humble. BUT, I’m thankful for the things I’ve learned now, just since joining WSO in October. I’m finally starting to trust people in this industry again, and that’s taking a MASSIVE upheaval in everything I already know. It’s hard to change to something new, when you know nothing about that something new.

It’s hard to trust people in a world where you have never, ever, EVER known trust.

I’ve just put my flowers in water (yes it’s taken me nearly 24 hours to do so – I still can’t believe that they’re mine, or believe the reason they were given to me), and they’re an epic reminder of what I’ve battled through.

To everyone else, they’re just flowers. To me, they’re a bloody massive achievement. And it’s nice to feel cautiously proud about that.

*Emotionally exhausted face*

PS Thanks for sharing this teeny tiny journey with me. So many people said “you’ll be fine”, but the fact is, no one knew that for certain. Even The Mr and I didn’t know that for certain. (One day I’ll talk about The Bow Shakes, and the continuing Asshole Voices In My Head.) Those of you who knew of the Shit Storm, I cannot thank you enough for the genuine encouragement and support. I want to thank you individually, but right now I kinda wanna sleep for a week… 🙂

PPS OMFG MY NAME IS ON A POSTER, YO.

WSO Concert Poster

Filed Under: Beginnings, Music, Thoughts

Listening, Not Listening

May 1, 2016 by cosmicgirlie Leave a Comment

Jay Emme playing the cello, in Cornwall

I listen too much.

Or, I should amend, I listen to other people too much.

I’m forever losing my own voice, in that, it doesn’t get exhausted; it just doesn’t get used.

I’m in an industry (world) where everyone is shouting. So many opinions, so many thoughts. So much “do this”, loads of “don’t do that”. Back at the end of 2013, I stopped listening to them, and completely listened to myself. Lo and indeed behold, my beloved business brand was born, with a logo I adore, styling I understand, and a business that is me.

All me.

And then I started listening to everyone else again.

And promptly everything died a horrible death, and now I’m having to work pretty fucking hard to pull everything around again.

Stupidly, whilst doing so, I carried on listening to people. I didn’t listen to myself. (Will I ever fucking learn?) And I’m still trying to pick up the pieces, as a result.

It’s my own fault.

Last week saw a turning point. A realisation, if you will, when someone told me a bunch of stuff I should do to fix things. I didn’t respond any further, because I was absolutely fucking livid with them for so many reasons. Contradictory info, mixed messages, questioning things they could never possibly understand at this time, or for a few years down the line.

And then I got pissed off with myself, because I realised I didn’t actually have to listen to them. I didn’t have to listen to anyone. I had been doing so well, for so long, following my instincts, being myself, and doing what worked. And then I got lost, because I stopped fucking listening.

I’m pretty screwed at the moment. I’ve threatened several times over the last few months to quit the business, because I got really fucking lost. And of course, no one else’s suggestions were working. I can’t quit though, and that’s the irony. I can’t quit, because I fucking love this job so much. It’s like a drug. Every time I say “that’s it I’m done, I really don’t think I can keep this going”, I fell the shakes come on, I can’t sleep, and I feel like I’m about to lop off an arm. Which is ridiculous…but it makes perfect sense.

It feels the same as when I quit cello.

(And look what happened there; not only am I playing again, but I’m doing a double cello concerto in concert in 2 months. I’m back in a full symphony orchestra, and lately, not a week goes by where someone doesn’t ask if I’m available to play for an up-coming concert. I couldn’t quit. I’m a shitty quitter.)

I never quit cello.

Just like I couldn’t quit this.

However, it’s time I (inwardly) told everyone else to STFU, and start paying attention to myself, again.

I went to a wedding show recently, to see if there was any prospect for me. After being told that wedding shows wouldn’t be good for me, I sure had my doubts. But I went anyway (because the venue was fucking LUSH.) And from a conversation that started with “oh my days your baby is GORGEOUS!!!” I booked a couple.

They hadn’t even seen my work yet.

I just talked to them. Chatted with them. Talked about their wedding dreams and plans. What they were hoping for. She showed me her dress, he talked about his suit. She showed me photos of her baby, I babbled about traveling the world for weddings.

They hadn’t even seen my work.

When I stop listening to everyone else, and remember WHO I AM, things seem easy again. I forget just how easy things can be when that happens.

Soooooo I’m done listening for a while. Or at least, I’m now going with “Selective Listening”. Because I also seem to have had an influx of people looking for a business coach and life mentor. And they’ve either come to me directly, or been referred to me. So that’s awesome…and it means I go back to remembering how to do the RIGHT kind of listening. The listening where it’s about them, not about me.

There are people who will listen to me, and I love them to bits, and they know who they are. They are literally my immediate family, and I’d be lost without them. But I listen to them, and they don’t tell me what to do. They just…respond to what I say.

Not everyone is asking to be “fixed”. Many people just want to be heard.

I’m one of those people. And that’s really ok with me.

Jay Mountford playing the cello, in Cornwall

Filed Under: Music, Photography stuffs, Thoughts

Next Page »

Before Footer

Follow on Instagram

Copyright © 2023 · Wellness Pro on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in

This is a demo store for testing purposes — no orders shall be fulfilled. Dismiss