Rant

Keeping My Mouth Shut. (…pffffft as if…)

January 13, 2014 by cosmicgirlie 7 Comments

Yeah it’s another semi Facebook rant, but it’s also a few words on a small triumph.

My rant begins with the number of people posting the “STOP DOING THESE THINGS ON FACEBOOK” posts. Stop posting about your kids, your food, your bowel movements. Stop bragging with your holiday snaps. Stop remembering people who died a million years ago. Stop this, stop that, stop communicating on a social network platform.

You know you can shut that shit down, right? Lord knows I’ve done it enough times over the last few weeks. I open Farcebook, looking to see what’s going on with the wedding world, or to see what my awesome mates are getting up to, and come away wondering if I’m actually allowed to post anything on a social platform designed for POSTING AND SHARING. I discovered several wonderful features, maaaaaany months ago. Hide/block/unfriend gets used a lot. As does “do you wish to close this browser?” Why yes, Google Chrome. Yes I fucking do, since everyone is in a shitty mood and I’m supposed to NOT SAY ANYTHING.

But my rant comes, because today I posted this.

I’ve written about my determination to get them into private school many times before.

http://cosmicgirlie.com/2013/03/14/yeah-im-still-a-school-snob/

http://cosmicgirlie.com/2013/06/24/determined-blazing-glory-face/

Now, my friends who give a shit, will know I have been stressed to my goddamn EYEBALLS in the past, trying to sort out good schooling for The Smalls. Their current school is painful. In the last 3 months, I’ve had to rescue Noah’s reading. He’s gone from crying every time I tell him it’s time to read a school book, through to requesting 5 minutes at bedtime to read several chapters of his own books. He despairs with school books. Here at home, we can’t give him enough to read; I’m pre-empting what the hell he could read next. Providing Isaac isn’t in mental crazy-boy mode in the mornings, they both read for 15 minutes when they wake up.

Noah comes home with weekly maths tests, with which he gets no help at school. We, his parents, have no idea of the point of them, what they’re trying to achieve, how we are to help him, IF we are allowed to help him, how often he is to do them…no help. We have no idea. So when Noah came home with the same test again for the umpteenth time because he didn’t get the answers right at school, he was obviously in tears. He’s borderline hating maths. It’s only thanks to twinkl (that site has been a SAVIOUR, that’s for sure) and me saying “fuck it, school, I’m going to teach him MY way”, he has FINALLY clicked how to work through the test with much less help. Was I supposed to help him? Fuck knows. Support from school has been minimal; The Mr and I are still in the dark.

We understand that with the education system the way it is at the mo, you get what you pay for. I know perfectly well that state schools are stretched to stupidly ridiculous levels, and the majority of children are just not getting the full help and care needed. Teachers are being pushed to absolute limits, and many are in the dark on their subjects, as a result. I know; I’ve taught in schools. So, the aim is to send them to private school, to give them the absolute best education we can afford to give them. The schools in our area are not able to give us what we need. I don’t expect my boy to end up in tears every time I ask him to do numeracy or literacy.

Fyi, this morning he said to me “You know, Mommy, I feel much better about my numbers now that you’ve helped me. I think it might be a bit easier now.” Geeze. And if I had stepped back because I had assumed I was not allowed to help? What then?

Anyway. I posted that facebook status, because I am really goddamn pleased to feel that I’m doing all I can to help his education. It is a BLOODY BIG THING to me, making sure that they are BOTH educated people when they grow, with a sense of self, good intelligence, and sound knowledge of important subjects. And of course, rightly so, I’m goddamn proud of my children. So why did I feel immediate guilt when I posted it? Why did I feel that I had to justify posting what I posted?

Why did I think to myself, the actual words, “shit, I better clarify that, as I don’t want people to think I’m bragging about getting them into private school. Hell, maybe I should just delete it?”

I really don’t like myself for thinking that. I wanted to share something with my friends, with people who I thought might give a shit, people who might be mildly interested with our progress, people who are family and want to know what’s going on…it’s my Facebook page and it’s how I let people know stuff. People who care.

So I didn’t delete it, and I’m going to keep posting stuff like that. And I’m going to keep posting how proud I am of my boys. I’m going to keep posting birthday messages to them, and a photo, assuming I remember to do so and haven’t forgotten, because sometimes I’m a douche mom but y’know, it happens.

I’m bloody proud of my kiddos, I’m a foodie, I like photos, and I’m a bloody chatty person. Sooooooo I guess people are going to have to exercise that “STFU” button a little more often where I’m concerned. And now the sun is shining which means it’s time to go outside and play with another camera.

Talking.

October 18, 2013 by cosmicgirlie 11 Comments

The saddest part of this whole fucking separation? Is not what I thought it would be.

Breaking The Mr’s heart? No. I don’t think I’ve done that. He’s ok with me. And if I did break it, you can bet I did/am doing all I could to make sure it’s not destroyed.

Telling everyone about it? No; that was surprisingly easy, perhaps because I was so ready for it.

Trying to find somewhere to move out, and living circumstances until then? Nope; we know I can’t move until I’m back in the height of wedding season (finances). And we’re both fine in the house – we’re really good friends.

No, the biggest difficulty is actually the attitudes of others. His family, my family, complete strangers who know nothing about the situation. And they don’t know because they don’t ask. They don’t realise that The Mr and I ACTUALLY TALK about everything. EVERYTHING. They don’t realise that yes, of COURSE he fucking knows I’m blogging this. They don’t realise that yes of COURSE I give him a heads-up if it’s a sensitive post, or that I’m going to write it but password it if it’s too much. They don’t stop and think about WHY I’ve chosen to go down this route. They don’t realise that I often ask The Mr if he is ok, and if he still understands why I’m doing what I’m doing.

No. They assume the worst. They’re waiting for me to be an utter cunt about everything, and they’re waiting for me to drop that he’s being a cunt too. To say that, actually he abuses me regularly, and I’m moving out because he’s kicking me out of the house. And that we’re totally going to court to fight over The Smalls, and I’m going to sue his ass for everything I possibly can.

Newsflash: This. Is. Real. Life.

This is not some fucking TV soap. This is not bullshit Jeremy Kyle, or EastEnders, or whatever. He and I are responsible adults. We are not assholes, to others or to each other.

Now, this is directed at specific people, whom I think read my blog, but I don’t feel the need to “confront” them just yet. I grow more tired and more sad with the assumptions into what’s going on, why this is happening, and how we are. Instead of speaking in hushed whispers, instead of assuming you think you know exactly what is going on, why don’t you try speaking to us, instead? Why don’t you actually bear in mind that there’s no need to feel the need to “report back” to anyone?

If you’ve taken offence to that paragraph, then yeah, it’s probably you.

The Mr and I talk; I’m concerned for his wellbeing, just as he is for mine. We may not be IN love, but we still give a shit about each other. It’s called a friendship. And it’s working well, at the moment. Interestingly, we have each others’ back more than some might care to appreciate.

I hate posts like this, as I don’t feel I should have to explain myself. And, I don’t like stepping out of my little bubble world of randomly spouted thoughts. But sometimes, shit needs to be said.

I am strong. This is not easy, but right now, I am really fucking strong.

DETERMINED BLAZING GLORY face

June 24, 2013 by cosmicgirlie 2 Comments

I’m probably a snob. I don’t think I am, but I reckon some think I am. That’s fine, I honestly couldn’t give a shit. I mention it because I’m trying to see things from other perspectives.

Fact is, I am not a snob, but I totally have fucking high standards when it comes to The Smalls’ education.

We’ve endured our first Sports Day (Big Small; Little Small is later in the week) at their current school. It was a wee bit depressing; at one point Noah gave me a look of sheer boredom, and Isaac just wanted to go home. There was a lot of sitting around for Noah, and the things he was involved him I think, unfortunately, were a little too easy. Out and about, he’s more of a “push me and challenge me” kind of kid, rather than “breeze through this easy shit”. Which is awesome.

Probably didn’t help that we started 35 minutes late, and it’s possible one of the visiting kids stole his cap after it fell off his head, right before a race. Niiiiiiice.

Other things which bother me is the stuff which rubs off onto the kiddos. Habits which they bring home, and I try to stamp out. I know all kids will develop some behaviours, almost expected of them. I get that. However I get really frustrated when I find myself constantly correcting word pronunciation (ghetto. S’all I’m sayin’), and they’re rarely encouraged to use their manners (a teacher looked gobsmacked when Noah went up to them and said “good afternoon”).

I have exerted a lot of energy into making sure that these simple things happen ALL THE TIME. I want my boys to grow up to be respectable, well-rounded, appreciative, smart, polite men. I know most of this comes from what I teach them at home. But I have seen how they can be influenced from the outside world. It’s only natural. Some children less/more-so than others. I’ve seen how it works for my kiddos, and I want to change that. I will never be able to control all of their influences; fuck knows that’s not even something to consider because that’s just ridiculous.

But fuck knows I can put them in a place that will teach them better values. I can put them in a place where they will be around a variety of respectable walks of life. They can be in a place where they will see people they can aspire to. I can give them an environment rich with mentally stimulating things. I can put them somewhere which will make them ask questions, want to learn more, want to see more, want to do more. Where they want to explore, rather than just accept what they’re given. Where they are given so much juicy knowledge, that they literally cannot lap it up fast enough.

They don’t get that where they are now. It saddens me. I do what I can at home, but it feels like I’m fighting a losing battle. Like, there’s little support because I don’t have the knowledge to use whatever resources I (unknowingly) have.

So today, The Mr witnessed many of the things I whine to him about on a daily basis. I really don’t think he believed me all this time. Because the look on his face as soon as he arrived at the school, was all kinds of fucking hilarious. Poor guy. I hope he recovers.

It’s been a bit of a sore subject, I think, getting The Smalls back into private school, just because it’s so fucking expensive, he wants to pay off a ton of shit first, and I wasn’t quite at my work targets. I don’t think he ever understood my determination to succeed at work. I know many people jump into wedding photography with a view to making a fuck ton of money, and living a lavish life. That’s their dreamI. If I ever, EVER make it that far, I’ll be over the moon. I’ll also be surprised, because that’s not what I’m aiming for.

With every single ~~booking~~ enquiry, I think to myself “one step closer for The Smalls”. Much of everything I do, relating to work, is done with The Smalls’ future in focus. I don’t care about driving a big fuck-off car. A bigger house would be nice, but ironically only so I could work more effectively (an actual office at home would help me when it comes to consultations and presentations), and therefore earn more money, to be spent on The Smalls education. I’ve set some fucking huge goals, but I think they’re achievable. Over the last few months, I’ve built up this weird kind of determination which I myself find almost alarming.

I haven’t seen this determination since I went through my darkest days in The Classical Music World. Setting my sights on something, and refusing to back down until I had gotten through whatever it was I needed to get through.

And so here it is again – my weird Determined Blazing Glory face. I don’t know how long it will last, and I seriously fucking hope I don’t trip up and start doubting myself. Because lord knows, I really cannot tolerate parents who do the school run, both morning and afternoon, in the same pair of pyjamas for three days running. Or swear loudly in front of the kids in the playground. Or completely ignore their kids on the way into school (kid usually lagging behind near the road). Or dealing with the high school kids who lurk on the pre-school premises, swearing loudly, hurling abuse at teachers and spitting on the floor because there are no members of staff around.

Determined Blazing Glory Face: Making Shit Happen since 1991.

OHHHHH, when you said “funny”, you meant “asshole”.

March 6, 2013 by cosmicgirlie 13 Comments

I love Facebook.

Tell a lie, I fucking hate Facebook. *RANT KLAXON*

Actually, truth be told, I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook.

I whizz through my Facebook feed, see what people are doing, weep over beautiful photography, ask myself “what the fuck” over the not so beautiful photography, check out the weird and fucked up shit, and generally ignore the growing unread messages in my ~~spammy crap~~ DM tab. Sometimes I’ll hit “share” on something I think is fucking awesome (or so cool I want to win it). And of course, I’ll try to interact with people via their wall, etc. Sometimes I’ll tag a client with some useful wedding info. Sometimes I’ll tag a photographer with an awesome link which I know they will appreciate

What I WON’T do, or sure as fuck hope I DON’T do, is be an asshole on someone’s wall.

Annoyingly, it seems to be a trend which is growing really fucking quick.

I’m not sure exactly how I can describe it, but it seems to be things along the following line:

Jay Mountford: I need some help with something urgently, can anyone please offer advice? Please? I’m pretty desperate. :-/
Asshole: Yeah you should totally go watch this youtube video of pointless crap.
Jay Mountford: Er…I’m not sure how that helps?
Asshole: It doesn’t! But FUCK YEAH I’M SO FUNNY!

Yeah good one. Thanks for that. Or how about:

Jay Mountford: Pain. Lots of pain. Determined not to cry. Omg pain. :’o(
Twattard likes this.
Fucktard: Yeah I know what you mean; I missed Jezza Kyle today and I’m HEARTBROKEN.

(I don’t even have a response.) A common one is:

Jay Mountford: Yay! I did something good and for the next 5 mins approx., it’s all about me!
Asshat: Yah my badger died and then I missed the Tesco delivery and I’m pretty sure I have to do the school run and then last week I had to spend 3 hours on the phone telling my sister all about me and my life story from the day I was conceived yah I remember it well because I was there and it’s my child’s birthday tomorrow and I have to make a cake and woe is me God life is so hard for me and I just have no idea how the hell I will survive the trauma of having run out of regular butter since now we might have to have Sainsbury’s Taste The Difference butter which is almost as good as the stuff me and the kids made down at Aunty Tess’ farm last Tuesday right before she ran of with my cousin’s wife’s aunty’s dad’s grandma’s great great great nephew’s third cousin twice removed who omfg is a GAY ALCOHOLIC and now the family is in crisis talks because he slept with a horse which got eaten by the dog.
Jay Mountford: Eh?
Asshat: I know right? My life. MY LIFE.

…WTAF.

What bothers me even more, is when I see these posts on someone else’s wall. Especially if someone is having a genuinely shit day. I’m pretty sure if someone updates with “I’ve just had to have my beloved cat put down, he got mauled to death by a rabid cow. Kitty was only 2 years old. I’m gutted. :’o(” they probably need responses such as “Oh hon I’m sorry. Come round and drink your sorrows away.” And possibly NOT have to read “Yeah my pet turtle just died, he was 163. We are DISTRAUGHT because we just didn’t see it coming.”

Are you shitting me? Are you so damn selfish you can’t see beyond your own crap to spare a thought for someone else’s crap? Fair do, you also have shit. But to lump it, somewhat insensitively, on someone else’s post of grief/sadness/dispair? Are you some kind of freaky bottom feeder, or is your head so far up your own ass, you just have no concept of anything besides steaming piles of shit?

As if dealing with fucktardian (totally a word) behaviour wasn’t enough, there’s the people who post stuff on your wall a trillion times over thinking they’re the most original person alive. Oh my goodness! Look! A piece of bacon! Here, bacon! You never ever saw bacon before, eh? Omg, bacon! On teh internets! Wow!!!1!11!!!1!!!!!

Congratulations, you’ve just lumped yourself in with the 10 people who already posted it, approximately 3 seconds before you did. Sorry? What’s that? You didn’t think to scroll down a bit and see? No. Of course not. And why would you? After all, you are SO ORIGINAL! Well done.

Honestly, I fucking LOVE being tagged in posts which are useful, informative, helpful, original, useful etc. Awesome photographers, latest awesome videos (GOOD ones, none of the bullshit we’ve all seen a frillion times already), off the wall shit like Jim’ll Paint It or The Poke, anything ORIGINAL. Anything where the person posting it has had a split second of thinking outside the box. Because then I know that it’s not the same old sheep stuff I’ve seen before. I appreciate people who can think outside the box. Who can think differently. Who can save themselves from being a sheep. Who take 2 split seconds to think and appreciate, rather than one split second to vomit out crap.

So, much as I love SOCIAL media and those using it, maybe just stop and be more thoughtful/considerate, before you choose the asshole option, eh?

Rant

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