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They’re Just Flowers

July 3, 2016 by cosmicgirlie Leave a Comment

Ahw.. man. All the soloists got a bunch of flowers last night, and got applauded by the orchestra AND the audience. It never occurred to me to imagine what that’s like, because I’m so used to giving the well deserved recognition to other soloists. It’s the least we can do!

But to be on the receiving end of that…damn. To finish playing, and have people applaud you, and then you walk off stage too early cos you’re thinking “I really should clear off now, it’s someone else’s turn…” only to have someone (cello partner Sally) stage whisper my name really loudly, turn around and see you’re supposed to take the thanks, AND get some flowers…

To a lot of soloists, it’s standard practice. Maybe it’s the norm. Maybe it’s expected. But I could never expect that, perhaps because I’ve spent so long thinking I shouldn’t deserve that. I shouldn’t deserve the recognition, because it seems I’m an asshole of a person, and a shite cellist. Shouldn’t deserve the recognition, or the praise, or the simple act of being given a bunch of flowers as a way of congratulations, or even “thanks for playing”. That’s what I’ve been led to believe for how many years.

I’ve learned a lot during my time in the industry, and most of it was learned in the wrong way, which left me sad and broken, confused, hurt, and mostly, humble. BUT, I’m thankful for the things I’ve learned now, just since joining WSO in October. I’m finally starting to trust people in this industry again, and that’s taking a MASSIVE upheaval in everything I already know. It’s hard to change to something new, when you know nothing about that something new.

It’s hard to trust people in a world where you have never, ever, EVER known trust.

I’ve just put my flowers in water (yes it’s taken me nearly 24 hours to do so – I still can’t believe that they’re mine, or believe the reason they were given to me), and they’re an epic reminder of what I’ve battled through.

To everyone else, they’re just flowers. To me, they’re a bloody massive achievement. And it’s nice to feel cautiously proud about that.

*Emotionally exhausted face*

PS Thanks for sharing this teeny tiny journey with me. So many people said “you’ll be fine”, but the fact is, no one knew that for certain. Even The Mr and I didn’t know that for certain. (One day I’ll talk about The Bow Shakes, and the continuing Asshole Voices In My Head.) Those of you who knew of the Shit Storm, I cannot thank you enough for the genuine encouragement and support. I want to thank you individually, but right now I kinda wanna sleep for a week… 🙂

PPS OMFG MY NAME IS ON A POSTER, YO.

WSO Concert Poster

Filed Under: Beginnings, Music, Thoughts

Listening, Not Listening

May 1, 2016 by cosmicgirlie Leave a Comment

Jay Emme playing the cello, in Cornwall

I listen too much.

Or, I should amend, I listen to other people too much.

I’m forever losing my own voice, in that, it doesn’t get exhausted; it just doesn’t get used.

I’m in an industry (world) where everyone is shouting. So many opinions, so many thoughts. So much “do this”, loads of “don’t do that”. Back at the end of 2013, I stopped listening to them, and completely listened to myself. Lo and indeed behold, my beloved business brand was born, with a logo I adore, styling I understand, and a business that is me.

All me.

And then I started listening to everyone else again.

And promptly everything died a horrible death, and now I’m having to work pretty fucking hard to pull everything around again.

Stupidly, whilst doing so, I carried on listening to people. I didn’t listen to myself. (Will I ever fucking learn?) And I’m still trying to pick up the pieces, as a result.

It’s my own fault.

Last week saw a turning point. A realisation, if you will, when someone told me a bunch of stuff I should do to fix things. I didn’t respond any further, because I was absolutely fucking livid with them for so many reasons. Contradictory info, mixed messages, questioning things they could never possibly understand at this time, or for a few years down the line.

And then I got pissed off with myself, because I realised I didn’t actually have to listen to them. I didn’t have to listen to anyone. I had been doing so well, for so long, following my instincts, being myself, and doing what worked. And then I got lost, because I stopped fucking listening.

I’m pretty screwed at the moment. I’ve threatened several times over the last few months to quit the business, because I got really fucking lost. And of course, no one else’s suggestions were working. I can’t quit though, and that’s the irony. I can’t quit, because I fucking love this job so much. It’s like a drug. Every time I say “that’s it I’m done, I really don’t think I can keep this going”, I fell the shakes come on, I can’t sleep, and I feel like I’m about to lop off an arm. Which is ridiculous…but it makes perfect sense.

It feels the same as when I quit cello.

(And look what happened there; not only am I playing again, but I’m doing a double cello concerto in concert in 2 months. I’m back in a full symphony orchestra, and lately, not a week goes by where someone doesn’t ask if I’m available to play for an up-coming concert. I couldn’t quit. I’m a shitty quitter.)

I never quit cello.

Just like I couldn’t quit this.

However, it’s time I (inwardly) told everyone else to STFU, and start paying attention to myself, again.

I went to a wedding show recently, to see if there was any prospect for me. After being told that wedding shows wouldn’t be good for me, I sure had my doubts. But I went anyway (because the venue was fucking LUSH.) And from a conversation that started with “oh my days your baby is GORGEOUS!!!” I booked a couple.

They hadn’t even seen my work yet.

I just talked to them. Chatted with them. Talked about their wedding dreams and plans. What they were hoping for. She showed me her dress, he talked about his suit. She showed me photos of her baby, I babbled about traveling the world for weddings.

They hadn’t even seen my work.

When I stop listening to everyone else, and remember WHO I AM, things seem easy again. I forget just how easy things can be when that happens.

Soooooo I’m done listening for a while. Or at least, I’m now going with “Selective Listening”. Because I also seem to have had an influx of people looking for a business coach and life mentor. And they’ve either come to me directly, or been referred to me. So that’s awesome…and it means I go back to remembering how to do the RIGHT kind of listening. The listening where it’s about them, not about me.

There are people who will listen to me, and I love them to bits, and they know who they are. They are literally my immediate family, and I’d be lost without them. But I listen to them, and they don’t tell me what to do. They just…respond to what I say.

Not everyone is asking to be “fixed”. Many people just want to be heard.

I’m one of those people. And that’s really ok with me.

Jay Mountford playing the cello, in Cornwall

Filed Under: Music, Photography stuffs, Thoughts

“IT’S GONNA BE OKAY”

April 1, 2016 by cosmicgirlie Leave a Comment

It's Gonna Be Okay - An Inner Truth Journal

Apparently, which is GREAT NEWS.

It's Gonna Be Okay - An Inner Truth Journal

I’ve had this little journal thingy for a while now, since before The shit That Was 2015. It’s been on my person almost every single day, but I’ve not really made time for it. I should pay more attention to it, as there are some brilliant little anecdotes, which make me smile.

It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.
Tom Robbins

There’s space for me to write stuff. But I think I actually felt weirdly threatened by the header on every single page.

WHAT I’M HANGING HOPE ON TODAY

(And yeah, it’s all caps. No pressure. Caps is for shouting. This thing SHOUTS AT ME every day. Huh.)

Thing is, I think I gave up hoping. Well, not gave up, as it were, but I stopped believing, or something.

I’m not okay, and you’re not okay, and that’s okay.
Elizabeth KĂĽbler-Ross

Truthfully, business has been the TOUGHEST EVER over the last 18 months. I got dangerously side-tracked with things I shouldn’t have done, and gave away a whooooooole lot of my time to people who didn’t give a shit. I lost some people whom I thought would be amazing friends, and I’ve had to seriously re-evaluate where I am with my “family”. Reassurance has not come in droves, and there have been waaaaaaaay too may times where I have genuinely thought to myself “holy shit…I’m going back to the mental house for sure.”

That’s NEVER reassuring.

Every day I pick things up. The business, my life, my kids, myself. Sometimes it’s easy, and I’m all WHOOOO FUCK YEAH BITCHESSSSS!!!! And all too often, it’s Omfg just fucking fuck this fuckity McFuckshit. I’d like it to be less of the latter. And waaaaaaayyyy more of the former. I don’t know how…but maybe reconnecting with my now-missing PMA is the way forward.

I realised it was missing a few months ago. Wish I had noticed sooner, because then it would be easier to reconnect.

HOWEVER, at least I noticed it’s not so present at the moment. *Sly grin*

Optimist: Day-dreamer more elegantly spelled.
Mark Twain

So, I’ll read the front cover every day, because I do like a good run-on sentence which you have to read four times since you weren’t able to follow it in one go, thereby making sense of exactly what it was going on about without losing track somewhere before the third comma. And whilst I’ll remember to reconnect with My Blog (yes, capitals for a reason), I’ll also remember that It’s Gonna Be Okay.

Because It Really Needs To Be Okay.

Filed Under: Thoughts

So A Bunch Of Stuff Happened

March 29, 2016 by cosmicgirlie Leave a Comment

I moved to a new web host. During that transition, I lost a bunch of shit, including every single blog post from 2015, because I forgot to back up my database. So all that shit about my dad getting cancer and dying, all the posts about my mental health, some stuff about our holiday in Jamaica, all the posts about random crap which I really can’t remember – all gone.

Also, whilst my site has been down for the last 3 months, I’ve been inundated with Silent Sunday requests. Is it coming back, will I be hosting it, can I pass it on to someone else, all kindsa GAAAAAHHHHH. I Still don’t know the answers, though I’m erring on the side of No, Silent Sunday will not return to my blog.

I don’t really know.

Anyway, shit hit the fan, I’ve cleaned up as much of the shit as possible, thought there’s still an awful lot of it left in some very small crevices. I don’t think I’ll ever get that out.

So I’m just going to carry on knitting my current jumper (because that seems to be My Thing at the moment), and remind you of my awesome children, in case you hadn’t seen enough of them over on instagram.

The Smalls, Polzeath, October 2015, Carmencita Film Lab-1

Filed Under: Beginnings

The finishing line.

October 21, 2015 by cosmicgirlie Leave a Comment

I think I made it. The finishing line. It’s right in front of me.

Funeral is done, with an incredibly lovely cremation service. Friends of his from far and wide, including people from the taxi rank he used to be a part of, so many years ago. People I haven’t seen in donkey’s years. I was one of the coffin bearers…I’m honoured that the rest of the family were happy to let me do that under the circumstances. My brother has taken the ashes, and will look after them until we are all together again to scatter or bury.

My brother has been amazing. He has had to learn an incredible amount about me and my past in an almost painfully short space of time. And he’s handled it brilliantly. I have a big brother again. I told him today that I was sorry for his loss. I felt so sad for him. But even at the lowest, he’s been brilliant. We have similar histories, similar growing-up stories. We weren’t under the protective wing of our parents, so we made our own way through life. In different and similar ways, we learned the same lessons. Can tell the same stories, can relate to the same things.

Shouldn’t be that way, shouldn’t have to live that life…but we’re much richer for it.

The fact that he took the time to begin to understand the non-existent relationship with my dad, is the biggest breakthrough of my entire family. No one else did that.

He’s learned more about me in the last 3 months than anyone else has in the last 20 years. He’s learned stuff only The Mr knows.

He’s piecing together a lot of pieces. Anyone else would run scared, not listen. Many have done. More will do. He didn’t run. He pushed me away once or twice, but he was in his own pain. But he didn’t run. That’s amazing. I love my brother.

Never did I ever think I could say that and mean it.

All paper work is done. Today was dealing with the building society to close the account, and pay the rest of the funeral expenses. We will be having stern words with unprofessional behaviour of Co-op Funeral Services. A “courtesy call” to check that everything went ok yesterday, shouldn’t immediately be followed by (in the very same breath) “yeah so you still owe £1200, are you going to pay that now, or..?”

I broke down. Maintained the pleasantries, told her “thank you, please speak to my husband and it will be sorted, because I’m pretty certain there’s a mistake…” hung up the phone…and the sobbing started before I even knew what was happening.

That’s happened an awful lot over the last few weeks.

More times than I can remember.

My brother was there. I think, just having another human being there, made those vomit inducing moments slightly easier to bear. A sympathetic, yet very practical voice of reason. I can relate to that kind of voice. I don’t know what would have happened if he wasn’t there. He was brilliant.

I love my brother.

I have a big brother again. That feels good.

The Smalls broke up for half term today. Right now they’re eating their favourite Chinese food. Me? I have my bottle of prosecco, and the possibility of a straight night of sleep. First time in very nearly 3 months. I’ve averaged 3.5 hours a night. If I wasn’t so exhausted, I’d be proud.

But for 1.5 weeks, I don’t have to do anything. I’m shutting down. I don’t have a choice; my body will shut down anyway.

This whole episode, this chapter, this…this whole thing has been one of the sharpest, steepest learning curves I have ever endured. The emotional investment, the mental capacity for expenses and figures, the stability to manage the paperwork…I’ve never known anything like it.

I think I made it. And I think I did ok.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Four Ailments and A Funeral

October 19, 2015 by cosmicgirlie Leave a Comment

I pretty much ploughed into what needed to be done, and have barely resurfaced into a normal life. Every time I stick my head above water, I choke.

Which didn’t make sense to me.

Surely I needed air? To breathe? To survive?

Nope.

Quite literally, keeping my head down, and doing all the admin, and the funeral arrangements, and making sure everyone got what they wanted for the funeral (within financial and respectful reason) meant keeping my head down and getting on with it.
I noticed the illnesses whenever I tried to relax. First and foremost, it’s the lack of sleep. I fall asleep, at a reasonable hour, and then wake up, at a normal time, and wonder why I feel like I haven’t slept in approx. 14 years. I put my FitBit back on to monitor my sleep – turns out I was getting 3 hours a night. 7 hours in bed, up to 4 hours restless and/or awake. People suggested various forms of get-you-to-sleep methods.

Falling asleep is rarely the problem.

Staying asleep seems beyond me.

And of course it’s always accompanied by the most awesome and unpleasant dreams. Last nights dream included my left arm suddenly being covered in welts, which suddenly started to swell and split open and then my whole arm was bleeding over someone’s t-shirt, but it’s ok because I was on a plane going to New York.

I do love New York.

Closely followed by lack of sleep, quite understandably, is the nausea. Never actually being sick, just that constant desire to throw up everything I ever ate, everywhere. Food is a bit hit and miss. Crisps and tea makes a surprisingly sustainable diet, however.
Inevitably, migraines came back full force, too. I haven’t had regular migraines for a long time, so when they do come, I’m kinda laid back about them. They hurt like a motherfucker, but I can deal because I know it’ll be gone eventually and I won’t see another one for a long while.

HAHAHAHAH not this time.

Wave after wave of migraine after migraine.

Too many times I’ve had to ask The Mr to come home early, whilst wondering if I was even safe to pick up The Smalls from school, or stand in front of the oven and make something that looked like dinner. Migraines are asshole. Proper fucking assholes.

As if the pain itself isn’t bad enough, the fact that it takes days to recover is a frigging ball ache. I don’t have time to be feeling like I’m recovering from the flu (dealing with the fucking nausea).

Last week’s ailment was a new one. Extreme stomach cramps followed by trips to the bathroom. Ohhhhh deeeeeeeeep joooyyyyy.

I hate that the pain only comes on when I get super tense, usually talking about one of the things I pretty much don’t ever want to talk about again. It’s weird to think that a subject can take its toll so bad, that not only do you repel it mentally, but physically, too.

I feel incredibly and desperately broken.

The thought of turning to my “family” for help and support fills me with dread. The few times I’ve tried, has secured the belief that the backlash is never ever worth it.

So, tomorrow morning, we go to the crematorium. And do the funeral. And on Wednesday, I have to collect his ashes. And then, because no one has agreed to what they want doing with the ashes, I have to do that thing where life carries on as normal.

Everything goes back to the way it was, minus one person. Which shouldn’t make any difference, since I had no connection with that person. But I feel like I should anticipate a backlash, somewhere, somehow. And I don’t want it.

I’ve done everything I can to make this as easy as possible for the rest of the family, and for his friends…and I’m going to say this out loud for the first time, but…I don’t feel like I’ve gotten any respect for it. My brother, granted, and having spent time with me, has begun to come to understand what I’m trying to do to help. Since I’m pretty much the outsider (and no…no it’s not entirely through my choice, and no…no I did not push everyone else away), I figured the only thing I could do in a situation where I could do something, was make it easier for everyone else. Admin is a shitty job, but someone had to do it. I was in a position to do it. So I did.

It was the least I could do, I thought, at the time. Turns out, it was way more than I could ever have done, because I’m pretty much broken from doing it.

And after all is said and done, I’m writing this and thinking to myself, “where is my support? Where are the people who understand me? Where are those who are thankful, grateful, appreciative of all I’ve done?”

I hate when people do that thing where they’re all, “yeah, but look at what I did for you! I did so much, I wasn’t even asked!” It seems so pathetic, so overly dramatic, so needy, and yet here I am, doing it myself. We all have needs.

I’m tired of being tired. I have lost track of how many times I’ve said that over the last few months.

I keep thinking this horrible nightmare, which replays itself over and over and over, in my head, a million times a day…I keep wondering when will it end. I hope it ends soon. I don’t think it really will.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

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