It’s a subject which will baffle me to the ends of my days. And it’s also something I wonder if I’m far too fussy about.
See, I know what I want in love, and I know what I don’t want. However, if someone wants something so bad, would they not just take whatever they can get? You would think so. I certainly thought so.
But then I keep proving myself wrong, or being super full of doubt.
I guess what I need or want is for someone to show me the kind of love I can actually relate to, in order to better understand it. Perhaps. For example, I don’t want someone to buy me a million expensive gifts. However I know that for some it’s the only way to express it. I understand that much. But it doesn’t work for me. I want someone to hold my hand, and look at me like I’m the most important thing in the world. I want someone to be by my side, and feel weirdly proud to be there. I want someone with a sense of adventure to rival my own, spurring us on to bigger and better things. I want someone who understands when I’m frustrated, and will talk to me, WE will talk things through, to come to an understanding. I want someone to work with as a team, always helping maintain foundations so that we remain strong.
The thing is, The Mr is great. He’s really lovely. But I’ve changed so much from where I was, to who I am now. The problem is all mine; back then I didn’t actually know who I was, OR what I wanted. Today, I don’t think I’ve ever been quite so sure. What makes all of this hard, is that on realising this, I am now really sad and really lonely. What makes all of this weird, is hearing people say “oh you’re so pretty, you’re so beautiful, you’re so hot, blah blah…” and I don’t believe any of it. Because I constantly ask myself the question “well what the fuck is wrong with me?”
I don’t blame anyone for the position I am in now.
Over the last week or two, I’ve wondered if I’m actually making a huge mistake, and should I just suck it up, deal with it, and go back to trying to make the marriage work. but then I look at all the reasons why I am stepping away from it, and know that I can’t go back to all of that.
I’m sad, I’m lonely, I’m terrified. Will I love again? Will anyone love me again? Will anyone love me the way I want and/or need? Should I give up now? Should I take what I can get? Should I just settle?
There’s a great big adventure for me out there, with The Smalls in tow, too. They won’t be there every step of the way, because, well, they will be with their dad from time to time. I’m not fighting for them, because I don’t need to. We’re agreed on how they will spend their time with each parent. But even there, is something that makes me wonder. Am I still loveable? Will anyone fall IN love with me, DESPITE being a Single Mom Of Two? Am I seen as damaged goods now? Is that even still stigma, like it was when I was a kid, or is that the norm now?
I don’t have many friends, and I’m not entirely sure why. People all over the place ask me to make sure I stay in touch, or send me messages, or whatever. And yet, I struggle to stay connected with them. Doubt sets in, I question silences (mine and theirs) in my mind, and become exhausted with it all so quickly. I don’t have a “bestie from school days”, I don’t have “an old mate whom I’ve known since I was 3”. There are the few friends who I speak to, whom I do love dearly. But why is it so hard to maintain? Why do I feel so shitty when it comes to wanting to reach out to them?
Right now, all I want to do is call someone, anyone, and say “you know what? I feel like shit. Please can you just listen to me rant, just for a little bit, and then I’ll shut up and go away? I might cry a bit, but I promise I won’t keep you for long.”
The stupidest thing is to sit here whining and complaining about feeling unloved, but not actually doing anything about it.
I actually feel kind of trapped by that, because there’s clearly something stupid going on in my brain. Something is misfiring, and I think I know what (childhood issues) but I’ll be farked if I know what to do about it.
I hate feeling this level of lonely, given how much of a social butterfly I can be. Maybe that’s my problem; maybe I need to stop flying. Maybe I just need to settle in one place, stop moving and hope something develops. The thing is, I don’t have much patience for hanging around. I also don’t feel I can watch the rest of the world go by, whilst I “wait for something to happen, whatever that something might be.
When I love people, I love them fiercely. I love them A LOT. It’s safe to say that, if you’ve ever been caught up in my love radar, you will know it straight away. You might not believe it, and you will most likely be scared of it. But you’ll know it. And I understand the different kinds of love I’ve fired out at people, too. It’s all a bit Love, Actually; sometimes it’s a friend, sometimes it’s for want of a lover, sometimes it’s for a soul mate, sometimes it’s for a person I just want to be with, sometimes it’s one of many others. I understand them all, having experience all of them at some point, to varying degrees.
I sometimes wish I hadn’t.
I feel sometimes I perhaps scare people away. In an age where people live on distance and communicate only by technology, I would imagine I scare people away quite easily. Is it me? Is it my personality? Am I too much to hang around with? Can you not deal with being around me?
I had a conversation ages ago about being friends with men who feel they need to keep me hush-hush. I found that weird and hard to deal with. I have/had friendships where I’m not allowed to message at a certain time, or can only talk on the phone at certain times, or if we meet for lunch/dinner/a pint, I’m not allowed to mention it. Under the assumption that I’m out to steal them? I don’t know. I asked one friend and he said it was most likely because his girlfriend would be jealous. Even though I have no interest in anything more than a friendship. So again, I ask myself, what the fuck am I doing wrong? Why is it so hard to find someone to love me as a friend without feeling fear? Forget trying to find someone who could love me as a partner, because that seems to be crazy talk in any case?
I’m going round in circles now, not even understanding my own thoughts. Not understanding where I am at with it all, or where I’m supposed to be going.
All I know is that I want to find someone I can match/someone who can match me. Friend, lover, life partner – I don’t even care now. I just want someone who can understand me, in order for me to be able to be myself, and return whatever is given. I have a lot to give. I have so much love to give. So very much. And yet, it always seems to fall on people who throw me away, or can’t accept it, or don’t want to know.
I doesn’t get easier, it gets different. I guess.
You are not asking for too much, I understand the feelings but promise you can find that thing you want. Don't settle, chose happiness. Love you x
Thanks Corinne. And I think right there is why I search so hard: I can't "just settle". Love and happiness is of almost paramount importance to me. LOVE YOU TOO. xx
Definitely what Corinne said…you deserve amazing things. Don't hesitate to search them out. Xoxo
Thanks so much Jess. 🙂
Aw babe. You are AWESOME, you absolutely CAN find someone who matches with you. Sometimes you can work round having different love languages (that’s a book worth skimming through once in your life) but sometimes – sometimes it’s just too hard for too little return.
Don’t settle – you all ready know, I think, that wouldn’t satisfy, and you live so intensely, so wholey (i think) that if it’s not satisfying then why bother?
wish we were closer. Do email and rant if you want to xxx
Thanks loads mc. And yes, I can't settle. I just can't. There's too much out there in the world to just sit back and ignore it, you know? xx
Mrs TeePot says
Oh god do I understand this. My brain is in all kinds of a messy mush with similar issues. Things WILL sort themselves out and I don't think settling is ever the right thing, no one will be happy if you just settle.
You are so loveable it's not true. You will find the right person when you are least expecting it and then there'll be no stopping you. What you must do is always be you x
Jay, I could have written this myself, from the wanting-a-relationship point of view.
It'll be 5 years in July since the boys' dad and I broke up.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA how many people have come to me between then and now to ask advice as they're splitting with the father of their children?
I'm talking at least a dozen that I can name off the top of my head.
And do you know that EVERY SINGLE ONE of them is no longer single, and is loved up and living with a new partner?
So what the hell is wrong with me?
Cause there must be something wrong, for everyone else to have been able to find someone. Everyone but me.
Also, I want you to know, I think of you dearly Jay, I know we don't chatter much but I adore it when we do. Remember when we were both giddy excited about getting our new cameras? *grins*
Sending you a massive internetty bear hug, though it's just not the same, innit? x
HerMelness Speaks says
I am very confident I will never meet someone like Bronnie again. Someone who totally 'gets' me and loves me despite that fact. 'm lonely too…but lonely for Bronnie, and if I can't have him, I'm happy for my vagina to seal over. Like pierced ears for want of a stud!
If you must do the whole compromised life to take into account another's hopes, dreams and fears….don't settle. Go after what you really want this time – or stand still and let it find you. Someone out there is looking for your brand of awesome.
Happy birthday, sweetie. Mx
You deserve to be happy, it's not too much to ask 🙂
I really hope you find the happiness in your heart that you are seeking and that special someone you feel totally at one with.
Somebody wise in these things once said "If you don't love yourself, how can you expect somebody else to"
And it kind of makes sense.
You are an amazing woman, stronger than you give yourself credit for. But you need to believe that. You need to know it. And that is not easy.
Jay, you're intimidating to some people because your'e a strong women with a voice. Even if you don't feel that strong. You are. Those people intimidated by your need to find some balls. Those that can only be your secret friend also need to grow some balls. There appears to be a theme here….
Friends are hard work. Finding real true friends is even more so.
You're not asking too much. Don't think that for a minute. For me, love is laughter, when we can sit and laugh and take the piss and know saying the inappropriate is hilarious. It took me until I was 30 to find that and now 5 years on I still proper belly laugh with him. Don't ever settle for anything less x
Claire, I can't tell you how much I found your comment reassuring. Thank you SO MUCH. Thank you, a whole lot. x
Jay – I know you know some of the 'journey' (for want of a better word) that I've been on .. and well, all I can say is that everything your'e asking yourself is perfectly 'normal.' You're finding yourself again and this is a good thing. You're trying to work out what you want and need so that you can be happy – to me, that just makes sense. I've been single 2 years and I'm not getting any younger .. but I'm more sure of who I am now than ever and it's THAT inner peace that will make you happy. So keep doing what you're doing. It will come. Whatever 'IT' is. Be patient.
Thanks so much, WWW. Yes, it IS a case of finding myself again, isn't it? And I keep forgetting that not everyone will have caught up with me already. I feel like I've already moved on leaps and bounds! And that's a good thing, I think. Inner peace is, ironically, peacefully noisy right now. 🙂 x
Shawna Meyer says
I only know you through the internet, so I don't know the whole picture. You have mentioned the childhood trauma before, and it seems to be fucking up everything in some way as shit childhood things tend to do. You might consider seeing a professional about working through it. I've been through some shit too. I wasn't a small child, but I wasn't an adult yet either. That sort of thing makes you grow up real fast, and can seriously fuck everything in your life until you die if you let it. I only saw a pro for a little while, but it helped. I could have done to see her longer, but finances wouldn't allow.
Start with your self. Focus on you and find happiness and love for yourself, then you will be able to acknowledge and accept love from others, whether that's with the Mister or someone else.
I wish you luck on this journey, and you're right. Nothing in life ever really gets easier, just different.
Shawna Meyer says
Also, Tina Turner:
I am lucky, I found the guy who does all that when I was 17 and I chased him until he gave in. Your male friend sounds similar to my best friend. We did everything together until he got married. His wife doesn't trust me so I can only text at certain times. Don't let that be your insecurity though, it is theirs and it is stupid. I lost my best fried the day he married an insecure woman and that still makes me upset, even though I know it's not my problem, but hers.
If it's any consolation I am still looking to be loved too. When the girls dad and I split up it took me a good 18 month to two years to "find myself" and with finding myself I finally learnt to love myself. I think until you manage to do this everything else in your life becomes a battle. I'm lucky that I have some very close friends, not old friends, like you I have no friends from school or my childhood really to speak of. But friends that I have met over the past few years who I have let down my guard to and let into my life…. I have also had a handful who have let me down terribly, have treated me and my children with disrespect! Every time something like this happens my guard goes back up and my trust in myself and human nature dissolves. Sometimes life just sucks!
But you need to hold on to the people who treat you well, the ones who will love you no matter how crazy your world seems. They will be the ones to get you through…. If you let them! Five years on and I am still waiting for someone special to walk into my life, someone who I can finally trust no matter what. What my past has thrown at me makes me wary and very fussy. I won't accept second best anymore. My children and I deserve the best and I sure as hell won't let them go through what their father has put them through again, (he wants nothing to do with them.) This year I have made my new years resolution to get out more and start meeting new people, I have realised I can't expect someone to just drop into my lap, but I will not rush. Next time I will make sure he ticks every box, even if I have to wait years. Everyone wants to be loved, that is normal, but sometimes you have to kiss many frogs to meet your true prince!
Sending love and hope your way xxx