I’m probably a snob. I don’t think I am, but I reckon some think I am. That’s fine, I honestly couldn’t give a shit. I mention it because I’m trying to see things from other perspectives.
Fact is, I am not a snob, but I totally have fucking high standards when it comes to The Smalls’ education.
We’ve endured our first Sports Day (Big Small; Little Small is later in the week) at their current school. It was a wee bit depressing; at one point Noah gave me a look of sheer boredom, and Isaac just wanted to go home. There was a lot of sitting around for Noah, and the things he was involved him I think, unfortunately, were a little too easy. Out and about, he’s more of a “push me and challenge me” kind of kid, rather than “breeze through this easy shit”. Which is awesome.
Probably didn’t help that we started 35 minutes late, and it’s possible one of the visiting kids stole his cap after it fell off his head, right before a race. Niiiiiiice.
Other things which bother me is the stuff which rubs off onto the kiddos. Habits which they bring home, and I try to stamp out. I know all kids will develop some behaviours, almost expected of them. I get that. However I get really frustrated when I find myself constantly correcting word pronunciation (ghetto. S’all I’m sayin’), and they’re rarely encouraged to use their manners (a teacher looked gobsmacked when Noah went up to them and said “good afternoon”).
I have exerted a lot of energy into making sure that these simple things happen ALL THE TIME. I want my boys to grow up to be respectable, well-rounded, appreciative, smart, polite men. I know most of this comes from what I teach them at home. But I have seen how they can be influenced from the outside world. It’s only natural. Some children less/more-so than others. I’ve seen how it works for my kiddos, and I want to change that. I will never be able to control all of their influences; fuck knows that’s not even something to consider because that’s just ridiculous.
But fuck knows I can put them in a place that will teach them better values. I can put them in a place where they will be around a variety of respectable walks of life. They can be in a place where they will see people they can aspire to. I can give them an environment rich with mentally stimulating things. I can put them somewhere which will make them ask questions, want to learn more, want to see more, want to do more. Where they want to explore, rather than just accept what they’re given. Where they are given so much juicy knowledge, that they literally cannot lap it up fast enough.
They don’t get that where they are now. It saddens me. I do what I can at home, but it feels like I’m fighting a losing battle. Like, there’s little support because I don’t have the knowledge to use whatever resources I (unknowingly) have.
So today, The Mr witnessed many of the things I whine to him about on a daily basis. I really don’t think he believed me all this time. Because the look on his face as soon as he arrived at the school, was all kinds of fucking hilarious. Poor guy. I hope he recovers.
It’s been a bit of a sore subject, I think, getting The Smalls back into private school, just because it’s so fucking expensive, he wants to pay off a ton of shit first, and I wasn’t quite at my work targets. I don’t think he ever understood my determination to succeed at work. I know many people jump into wedding photography with a view to making a fuck ton of money, and living a lavish life. That’s their dreamI. If I ever, EVER make it that far, I’ll be over the moon. I’ll also be surprised, because that’s not what I’m aiming for.
With every single
booking enquiry, I think to myself “one step closer for The Smalls”. Much of everything I do, relating to work, is done with The Smalls’ future in focus. I don’t care about driving a big fuck-off car. A bigger house would be nice, but ironically only so I could work more effectively (an actual office at home would help me when it comes to consultations and presentations), and therefore earn more money, to be spent on The Smalls education. I’ve set some fucking huge goals, but I think they’re achievable. Over the last few months, I’ve built up this weird kind of determination which I myself find almost alarming.
I haven’t seen this determination since I went through my darkest days in The Classical Music World. Setting my sights on something, and refusing to back down until I had gotten through whatever it was I needed to get through.
And so here it is again – my weird Determined Blazing Glory face. I don’t know how long it will last, and I seriously fucking hope I don’t trip up and start doubting myself. Because lord knows, I really cannot tolerate parents who do the school run, both morning and afternoon, in the same pair of pyjamas for three days running. Or swear loudly in front of the kids in the playground. Or completely ignore their kids on the way into school (kid usually lagging behind near the road). Or dealing with the high school kids who lurk on the pre-school premises, swearing loudly, hurling abuse at teachers and spitting on the floor because there are no members of staff around.
Determined Blazing Glory Face: Making Shit Happen since 1991.
HerMelness Speaks says
Let whomever label the thing whatever they want. Keep going. I know they are not in your ideal environment, but they are at home. Those children will feel the aspirations you have for yourself and for them and they will…aspire. Well. Done. You. Mx
You know Jay, the fact that you are even aware that all of that is going on means you that you are more than half way to winning the race with the smalls.
Don't stop, don't even give them a backward glance, no matter what they say. Nothing but good can ever come out of wanting the best, whatever it takes. Ten years from now when the smalls are almost the gentlemen you want them to be those people will be nothing but a bad memory.