Hello Slippery Slope.
I’ve been expecting you.
You took longer than I thought; it’s been a while since you were last here; easily sometime before Christmas, right? I think this is the longest you’ve been away.
So I’m not entirely surprised you’ve moved yourself into my travel path.
I’ve fought long and hard, and I know I should be proud of myself for going so long without having to deal with you. So long successfully fighting against you. No meds, no therapy, no intervention, just making sure I choose my life carefully. It’s not been easy, and I’ve almost made some fucking MAHOOSIVE mistakes which would have brought you on sooner. But it seems, I did ok.
Now, I’m not sure if you’re going to make a full appearance. I don’t know if you’re just going to linger for a bit, like the shitty bad smell that you are. I don’t know if you’re even going to get any more present than you already are. I feel like convincing myself that, in this state, you are manageable. However, I see my short temper with everything, my instant self-loathing, my instant hatred of everything, the suspicion that many think I’m an idiot, that feeling of being a punch bag to the world, the wanting to be accepted, the need for closeness, the rejection of everyone, the desperation to keep going, the urge to stop everything.
When that urge comes, it’s really weird. I guess I don’t want to actually die…no I don’t think so. I just want to stop functioning. It would just be easier that way. Numb everything a bit, dumb it all down, lessen the senses. Dial it all down. Turn it all off.
Make it hurt less.
I guess it would be easier if everything just hurt a bit less. I guess it feels like I spend time strengthening my shields, and then I take a beating, all manner of shit in every form. At first I’m blissfully oblivious, and nothing bothers me. I’m not invincible, I’m just flying high and going the right way. Bullshit bounces off me, and changing direction, away from it, is really easy. But then I get slower, my defences get weaker. I get weaker. I can’t take as much as before, and it becomes easier to hide. And then I feel pathetic for hiding, and then the self loathing kicks in and…well. Here we are. Hello vicious circle.
Maybe the down time is when I can recharge. That’s always been my theory, my hope. That when I do go into the fucking horrible shut down state, that I’m just slowly rebuilding from the inside. I don’t always believe it, because every single time, I find myself wondering if I can start up again. Wondering if I can kick the mechanics back into gear.
In my “waking state”, shut down really scares me. The fact that I literally become a cabbage, unable to speak, move, eat, barely breathing, it scares me. Only 2 people in the whole world have seen me at that state. I don’t ever want it to be more than that. It scares me. I should keep fighting, keep going, like everyone will probably keep telling me. But it’s like being underwater, so deep, where no one can reach you at all. The only thing you can do, is try to find some way to breathe. And even that feels near impossible.
It scares me.
I’m tired. I wanted to be kick-ass this year, and now I feel like, in admitting all of this, I’ve just instantly let myself down. I should be able to work through this by now, I should have mastered this by now. I’ve been dealing with this for nearly 30 years. Why do I still let it get the better of me? Why the fuck am I even whining about it?
It’s time to Put On The Happy Face I guess. I don’t always put it on, sometimes it’s genuine.
It’s going to have to be a fake one for a few days. I hope it’s just a few days. Nothing more.