I’m kinda done running around in circles and feeling very, very stuck. I’ve realised I spend so much time “mis-focusing” on myself, and everything around me.
It’s not that I don’t focus on myself…it’s that I see myself very, VERY wrong.
Which is a shame, because the image I DO see of myself is horribly warped and somewhat pathetic.
That’s not a bad thing. But it’s also not a good thing.
See, I would look at myself, and think I was doing “kinda ok”. Sometimes I’d look at myself and think I was “kinda awesome”. But in doing so, I completely overlooked the person I could have been. The person I could BE.
The person I actually am, which has taken some time to realise.
So I’m introducing myself to a new person, someone whom I should have met, acknowledged and taken on board a looonnnnnng time ago.
This person has been there all along, but I lost sight of them along the way. Soooo…I guess they’re not really “new”, but they’re fresh to me.
I made excuses for as long as I possibly could to not have to look directly at this person. See, the thing is, they’re pretty freaking awesome, and they have a “light” which shines pretty brightly. I looked up to this person a whole lot, and then eventually stopped after a while. See, the thing is, I thought it was a bit arrogant to wish I was as awesome. I remember thinking this person was the sort of person I wanted to be, embodied everything I wanted. See, the thing is, I didn’t think I was allowed to be the same.
I didn’t realise I was allowed to be her.
I’m done with being Tired Jay. I’m done with being Confused Jay. I’m very very done with being Bored, Same-Old, Please-Make-This-Shit-Stop Jay.
Awesome Jay is my hero and I realise I’ve loved her and her badass self for quite some time.
I need to stop wanting to be her. I want to stop pretending to be her. I need to recognise that I am her.
See, the thing is, it’s about time I was me again.