It’s a subject which will baffle me to the ends of my days. And it’s also something I wonder if I’m far too fussy about.
See, I know what I want in love, and I know what I don’t want. However, if someone wants something so bad, would they not just take whatever they can get? You would think so. I certainly thought so.
But then I keep proving myself wrong, or being super full of doubt.
I guess what I need or want is for someone to show me the kind of love I can actually relate to, in order to better understand it. Perhaps. For example, I don’t want someone to buy me a million expensive gifts. However I know that for some it’s the only way to express it. I understand that much. But it doesn’t work for me. I want someone to hold my hand, and look at me like I’m the most important thing in the world. I want someone to be by my side, and feel weirdly proud to be there. I want someone with a sense of adventure to rival my own, spurring us on to bigger and better things. I want someone who understands when I’m frustrated, and will talk to me, WE will talk things through, to come to an understanding. I want someone to work with as a team, always helping maintain foundations so that we remain strong.
The thing is, The Mr is great. He’s really lovely. But I’ve changed so much from where I was, to who I am now. The problem is all mine; back then I didn’t actually know who I was, OR what I wanted. Today, I don’t think I’ve ever been quite so sure. What makes all of this hard, is that on realising this, I am now really sad and really lonely. What makes all of this weird, is hearing people say “oh you’re so pretty, you’re so beautiful, you’re so hot, blah blah…” and I don’t believe any of it. Because I constantly ask myself the question “well what the fuck is wrong with me?”
I don’t blame anyone for the position I am in now.
Over the last week or two, I’ve wondered if I’m actually making a huge mistake, and should I just suck it up, deal with it, and go back to trying to make the marriage work. but then I look at all the reasons why I am stepping away from it, and know that I can’t go back to all of that.
I’m sad, I’m lonely, I’m terrified. Will I love again? Will anyone love me again? Will anyone love me the way I want and/or need? Should I give up now? Should I take what I can get? Should I just settle?
There’s a great big adventure for me out there, with The Smalls in tow, too. They won’t be there every step of the way, because, well, they will be with their dad from time to time. I’m not fighting for them, because I don’t need to. We’re agreed on how they will spend their time with each parent. But even there, is something that makes me wonder. Am I still loveable? Will anyone fall IN love with me, DESPITE being a Single Mom Of Two? Am I seen as damaged goods now? Is that even still stigma, like it was when I was a kid, or is that the norm now?
I don’t have many friends, and I’m not entirely sure why. People all over the place ask me to make sure I stay in touch, or send me messages, or whatever. And yet, I struggle to stay connected with them. Doubt sets in, I question silences (mine and theirs) in my mind, and become exhausted with it all so quickly. I don’t have a “bestie from school days”, I don’t have “an old mate whom I’ve known since I was 3”. There are the few friends who I speak to, whom I do love dearly. But why is it so hard to maintain? Why do I feel so shitty when it comes to wanting to reach out to them?
Right now, all I want to do is call someone, anyone, and say “you know what? I feel like shit. Please can you just listen to me rant, just for a little bit, and then I’ll shut up and go away? I might cry a bit, but I promise I won’t keep you for long.”
The stupidest thing is to sit here whining and complaining about feeling unloved, but not actually doing anything about it.
I actually feel kind of trapped by that, because there’s clearly something stupid going on in my brain. Something is misfiring, and I think I know what (childhood issues) but I’ll be farked if I know what to do about it.
I hate feeling this level of lonely, given how much of a social butterfly I can be. Maybe that’s my problem; maybe I need to stop flying. Maybe I just need to settle in one place, stop moving and hope something develops. The thing is, I don’t have much patience for hanging around. I also don’t feel I can watch the rest of the world go by, whilst I “wait for something to happen, whatever that something might be.
When I love people, I love them fiercely. I love them A LOT. It’s safe to say that, if you’ve ever been caught up in my love radar, you will know it straight away. You might not believe it, and you will most likely be scared of it. But you’ll know it. And I understand the different kinds of love I’ve fired out at people, too. It’s all a bit Love, Actually; sometimes it’s a friend, sometimes it’s for want of a lover, sometimes it’s for a soul mate, sometimes it’s for a person I just want to be with, sometimes it’s one of many others. I understand them all, having experience all of them at some point, to varying degrees.
I sometimes wish I hadn’t.
I feel sometimes I perhaps scare people away. In an age where people live on distance and communicate only by technology, I would imagine I scare people away quite easily. Is it me? Is it my personality? Am I too much to hang around with? Can you not deal with being around me?
I had a conversation ages ago about being friends with men who feel they need to keep me hush-hush. I found that weird and hard to deal with. I have/had friendships where I’m not allowed to message at a certain time, or can only talk on the phone at certain times, or if we meet for lunch/dinner/a pint, I’m not allowed to mention it. Under the assumption that I’m out to steal them? I don’t know. I asked one friend and he said it was most likely because his girlfriend would be jealous. Even though I have no interest in anything more than a friendship. So again, I ask myself, what the fuck am I doing wrong? Why is it so hard to find someone to love me as a friend without feeling fear? Forget trying to find someone who could love me as a partner, because that seems to be crazy talk in any case?
I’m going round in circles now, not even understanding my own thoughts. Not understanding where I am at with it all, or where I’m supposed to be going.
All I know is that I want to find someone I can match/someone who can match me. Friend, lover, life partner – I don’t even care now. I just want someone who can understand me, in order for me to be able to be myself, and return whatever is given. I have a lot to give. I have so much love to give. So very much. And yet, it always seems to fall on people who throw me away, or can’t accept it, or don’t want to know.
I doesn’t get easier, it gets different. I guess.