This week, I told The Smalls, The News. I told them as best as I could (“Very soon, I won’t be living here any more, BUT you will still see me ALL THE TIME, and you can come and play round my house if you like, and I’ll still pick you up from school, and do your tea, and listen to you read, and do writing and dinosaurs and Doc McStuffins, and – Noah, it’s ok, there’s no need to cry, you’ll still SEE me, and I’ll still nag you to sort your stuff out, and tell you to pick up your toys! And I’ll still do French with you and stuff. Pardon Isaac? Yeah sure! Of COURSE there’s no need to cry, you get it, right? Sure you do. It’ll be fun! Yes, of COURSE you can bring Father Bear and your dinosaurs.”) and cried silently while Noah had a cuddle.
Because I have to be brave and strong for him, right?
I think, although the news sunk in immediately with Noah, he was pretty quick to understand that I’m not going far away. I’ve shown him houses I’ve been looking at online, ad have told him roughly where they are. He realises that I’m aiming to move, quite literally, up the road.
So…yeah. I’m moving out. And We have decided they will be registered as living with me. Originally, at the start of the week, they were to live here in their current home with The Mr.
And then I flipped my shit, because I realised that would pretty much make me feel like a nanny; pick them up from school, look after them until he returns, and then bugger off. Be their primary carer, without the title of primary carer. That didn’t sit well with me. So I had a minor rant, and verbalised with twitter a whole lot, and got some really fucking useful info. We can SHARE custody of The Smalls (I fucking hate the word “custody”, it feels taboo), and as long as it stays out of court (you bet your fucking ass it will stay out of court…) we can decide on shared custody in whatever way we please. I didn’t realise this before, though it makes me a lot happier now.
So, they will be living with me for the most part, though I guess they will do most nights in their current home.
I say that NOW, I have no idea how it will be once I’m out of this house.
SO THAT’S NICE.
I fucking hate being so goddamn lonely.
I think I was lonely all along, for aaaaaaages and ages, but deciding on separation kinda highlighted it. Which is pretty shit.
And then, loads of people are offering help and support (you really are fucking amazing, those of you who have offered or mentioned or whatever. Thank you). Which is lovely, but…I think because there’s SO MUCH going on, with a whole spectrum of family issues as well as Endings, I know I don’t yet feel there’s anyone I’m wholly comfortable with. I know that once I start talking, I probably won’t stop, and there’s just sooooooo so much built up.
So instead it comes out here. Into open posts, into photos, into private posts, onto twitter…it almost feels easier to spread the load, rather than try to talk to a small handful of people. I suppose it’s also weird because there are people whom I’m drawn to, to talk to, but can’t (for whatever reason). And then there are others so seemingly…desperate…maybe, to reach out. But I can’t let them near for whatever reason. The connections aren’t right, the vibes aren’t there, the words are wrong. It makes perfect sense to me.
In this last week, everything seems to be happening at a lightning speed, and yet I can’t get through this fast enough. Looking for somewhere to live, working out how I can support myself on practically minimum wage, wanting to get to the stage when crippling emotions finally start to lose their edge.
I’m that mom in the school playground, who hides in the corner not wanting to make eye contact, avoiding talking to people. The one you think is a stuck up asshole, too good to speak to others, but is in fact just trying to hold her shit together. Trying hard not burst into tears in the playground. Trying not to let others see her face because her eyes are puffy and horrible, and her face is already streaked with salt water tears.
I despise those moments, because they leave me exhausted, low, frustrated, angry – full of all the negatives. I won’t survive this if I’m full of negatives. I know there must be balance, I get that. But the scales are stupidly fucking tipped, and won’t stop wobbling.
I currently have no fear about where I’m going, or what I’m doing. I know it’s right, I know it’s meant to be. I’m ok with that. And I know that I haven’t got time to be afraid, because this is just the shit that I have to get on with. I’ve made my choices, including this bastarding path I’m on.
My feet hurt. I am tired. I’d like a Zimmer frame. I’m a fucking pussy, whining about shit all the time. Maybe I need a reality check. Maybe I need a break. Maybe I need to get royally shit-faced with friends and remember Life. Maybe I need someone to just stop, listen and hear me, genuinely.
Maybe I’ll just try to keep recharging, ready for the Next Shitty Thing.
(((HUGS))) Sounds like you’re kicking shit, one shitty task at a time xxx
Thanks lovely mc. I figure I mist be doing SOMETHING right to have made it this far, yes? xx
Oh bloody hell Jay, I had no idea. Christ. Sorry. Xx
That's ok Jean! I'm never expecting people to know what's going on. As you know, I just put my shit here so I don't explode from bottling it all up! 🙂 xx
You know where I am sweets x
Damn right I do. xx
So when is your next weekend off? Let's get the crew together. X
As soon as I know I've got some funds to play with, I'm definitely coming out to play. xx
i wasn’t going to comment because there’s not much I can say but wanted you to know that I’d read.
It will be shitty. It will get better.
Thank you. You don't even need to say anything useful, it's just weirdly comforting knowing peeps are there, y'know?? 🙂
We're all told that we need to be perfectly stoic and smile and keep it inside. Anyone tells you to quit whining is a jerk, especially in your own space. Let it out, I say.
Thank you. I FEEL like I should quit whining…but I have to be honest, laying my crap out bare in my blog is just what I need. Thank you for the support.
We do shared parenting, split the care near as dammit 50:50. it's not perfect but it works. it was me that moved out, just round the corner. we have fixed nights they stay with each of us and alternate weekends, though we try to be flexible and swap round if need be. the kids adapted to it really quickly and seem fine with it, it's been nearly two years now.
be prepared for moving out day. it's HARD. and the first night living somewhere else with them not there is the worst thing ever. but it gets easier, i promise. and the (partial) freedom is really helpful too.
happy to chat anytime if it helps, on twitter (i'm @nebolland) , email, or in person (i live over in cotteridge).
hope everything works out okay… x
ps. I'm writing this at 5:30am because the kids are with me at the moment and my daughter just woke me up so she could vomit in my face. some things will definitely NOT CHANGE.
Oh bloody hell Neil, I do hope she's ok! (I confess I snorted a bit…)
I'll be honest, the whole "moving out on my own" and the "first night without them" is going to be surreal as hell, and it's the next big thing I'm bracing myself for. I had forgotten you were only up the road from me, I might have to ask you how you got through this stage. It's applying for benefits and funding myself to get out, which is what I'm struggling with now… Thanks loads for the support. x
Love you, lady. That is all.
Massive love to you too, Loggers. xx
Helen Whelan says
Oh Jay. I am sorry I must have had my head buried in the sand, I had no idea.
Good on you for letting it all out. Bottling up emotions and deep stuff can be damaging. Big mahoosive sticky cakey hugs wonderful lady.
Thanks so much lovely, really appreciate it. I don't expect you to keep up with my shenanigans! I've not shared much about it at all on Facebook. Sticky cakey hugs always appreciated. 🙂 xx
Kate (witwitwoo) says
The Smalls are lucky to have you as their Mum – you are amazing. The Shit will eventually become Less Shitty. Promise. In the meantime, you are surrounded by people who care. Always here to listen (& help if I can.) x
Thanks so much Kate. I'm determined not to be a fuck-up, y'know? I really appreciate you being an ear lately, it's always good to know there's support out there. xx
It. will bei all good in a weile. I wont say in The end because if it only gehts better in the end that would totally suck. Lots of Love to you. You will come out an even stronger woman and the kids will be proud of you xxx
Thanks so much Seaweed; and I agree, things WILL get better, BEFORE this ever ends. It's just a bit tough right now. We'll all get there, to the good bits, I'm sure of it. xx
Hi J, I separated a few times before my final divorce, it was a confusing but empowering time too. My advice would be to always keep the channels of communication open and that may become tricky. I hope that by going through with this you will be able to listen to your heart and understand what it is that you're looking for.
I send you love and smiles, I send you strength and clarity of decision and I'm packing lots of hugs in a bag for the down moments, use them when in need. Be strong and trust yourself. Xx
Think your in a heart crushing situation. Its good your letting it all out. Things will get better when your in a new routine and settled. Just hang in till you get there x x
Thanks so much; that's just what I intend to do, if I can. x
I was 12 when my mum & dad split up. Mum moved up the road and we had a bedroom in each house. Literally day by day we decided where we wanted to sleep that night. You, D and the Smalls will all work it out. Honestly. You are doing brilliantly and as long as you are honest (which I know you will be) with the boys then all will be fine. Biggest of big hugs xxx
I think ToPP, that's what we will end up doing. I'm determined to find somewhere right up the road (have actually found a few; it's just figuring out how to afford it..) so that The Smalls can do JUST THAT: decide day to day where they would like to stay, without fuss or hassle for everyone involved. All I can do is keep it real. Thanks lady, appreciate you being there. xxx
Amy - Chicken says
I have been "gone" from your life for a few years and now I am back. Please make use of me… any way you like. I care so much and am here when ever you need me. xxx
I can't even imagine how hard it was to tell them. It sounds like such a difficult time for you, I'm sending strength your way, you're doing so well.
Thanks loads. 🙂
Nicola Thompson says
Oh i had no idea – good luck with everything, these shit times come to test us and the good stuff will start happening when the crap ends. It's the only way to happiness. Be strong for the kids, it wont affect them one dot if you can keep up a decent plan with dad. xxx
Thank you loads Nicola. And that's such a big thing right now – I don't care much about anything else as long as I can make relationships work as far as they can. I'm SO thankful it's all amicable, we all need it. I know that I just need to bide my time for the good stuff, but geeeeeeze the shit times are PROPER SHIT.. xx
Bod for tea says
I've written and scrubbed out three comments so far because they sounded crap. All I really wanted to say is that you're being bloody brave and I hope this storm cloud will have a somewhat silvery edge for you soon x
🙂 Thanks loads BfT; that reply will do just fine. x
So sorry Jay to read your news ;-( We are both thinking of you.
Things will work out in the end, you have 2 fab boys who you are obviously very proud of.
Looking forward to catching up at EWE.
Take it easy.
It sounds like you're being so incredibly grown up about all of this, I'm surprised your head hasn't already exploded tbh. Sending hugs.
I don't think I can say anything, other than too offer a hug, and I wish I could make it better. Been there, with my own parents.
you are bang on about whanting this bit to go quickly, it does get worse before it gets better, but it DOES get better, I do shared parenting and we have managed to always keep the children before our own agendas, its really fucking hard sometimes when frankly all you want to do is scream in someones face but I know thats only going to help me and not my daughter. I was that mum in the playground too, and to some extent still am. You can and you will do this, I have faith you will rock at it too x
I haven't been keeping an eye on twitter etc recently and I totally missed what's happening with you. I can't begin to imagine how much you're dealing with right now, but I'm floored by how brave and strong you are.
Massive hugs & xxxxxxxx
Mummy's Little Monkey (@Jax2000) says
My parents split when I was 14 and while it was crappy at the time I look back now and THANK GOD! that they did. The people my Mum and Dad ended up with were the ‘right’ people for them. In a relatively short amount of time my sister and I were much happier than we’d ever been in a family unit that just wasn’t quite working properly. I gained two fantastic brothers, and life panned out exactly the way it was supposed to – as will all of yours!!! xx
Muslim Mummy says
So sorry to hear you are going through all this….I'm not a regular commenter but do randomnly read your posts
I hope things do start getting better for you soon x
Expat Mum says
Blimey – I sensed there was something going on but not this. I'm so sorry, but you will be OK. I can't add much because I have no experience of this but it sounds like you have a lot of support should you feel like taking people up on their offers. xx
Faded Seaside Mama says
So just catching up on where you're at and you know, you're further than you think. You are doing a great job of keeping things together even though it may not feel that way. I am that woman in the playground, at work, at the supermarket, hell even at home right now. But I don't have your strength, so I will continue to be her for now. Yet, you can see what's ahead and you know you're going to hate it some, but you'll also love it more too as you'll be free. Keep striding forwards and one day you'll turn round and see just how far you've come. You're inspiring me with your resolve and I wanted you to know that.
Agreeing with Faded Seaside Mama, you're further on with this than you think.
The next few weeks are the hardest, but the fact that you've spoken to the boys about what's going on already is great, and a huge step.
Sending you loads of hugs and love Jay, I know it's shit, but just keep on going as you are, one foot in front of the other. x
Jo Henley says
This is one of those posts where, you have no idea what to comment, but need to say something.
This is a shit time, for you, for them, for everybody. I hope it gets less shit, quickly xx
Shared custody sounds a lot better and I hope you find a good place soon. So many things all at once but I am thinking of you a lot and , i know it sounds so useless but will keep saying it for niw…sending you lots of hugs xx
You know this is the right thing. It'll be hard but you will get through this. You're Cosmic Girlie and you're awesome. I'm here for you just like you were there for me when I needed it. You are amazing, even if you don't feel it, you are. Big giant irn bru hugs and remember it's ok to cry, to scream, to shout, you do what you have to. Xxx
Coombemill - Fiona says
Oh Jay, I knew you were low, I’ve read the desperate posts and yet I never saw this one coming. I do hope now the decision is made and the path begun things will start to look up for you. There is direction now and a way forward, I hope your spirits follow it. In your lonely moments without the smalls remember you have huge support here on line.
Lakes Mum says
Good luck with this. Keeping amicable is the way to keep it easier not that this is easy x
I have broken down many a time in the playground, AND do you know what? I've made a hell of a lot of GOOD STURDY friendships from it. Of course there is a part of me that did that, I'm strong, I'm not going to crack, I don't want people knowing my shit or feeling "sorry" for me! BUT, when I did have a melt down, I realised that they were my own insecurities and that people really do care and don't think the worst of you.
Everyone is allowed to cry once in a while! In fact I almost suggest doing so, because keepin it all building up inside is never good and it just means one day you will explode! (not literally, of course! That would just be messy)
In some ways you are lucky the Mr cares enough to still want shared custody! My ex hardly sees my two and I have to practically beg him to see them… But that is my story!
Keep strong! Things will get better, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day you will look back and think "YES! I did it, I survived and now I'm much happier" I promise xxxx
Sonya Cisco says
I have shared custody of my 9 year old, he splits the week between us. Like you are planning, we live within 10 minutes of each other- which is bloody lucky because you can guarentee all the school uniform/PE kit/homework will be in the wrong bloody house when you need it! But practicalities like that aside, 4 years on it is working very well for all of us. I don’t know you, but send you huge love, as I know how tough this bit is. It gets better, and it gets better as soon as you have a roof over your head and start seeing how everything works. The bit you are in now, the where/how am I going to live bit was the worst it got for me, I felt like I was floating with nothing to hold into, but once I had a new home I felt like my grappling hooks had something to grab hold of, and it all got much easier. Be brave, and be kind to each other. xxx
Oh Jay I am so sorry.
I wish I could offer words of comfort but I know from experience that you don't believe things will get better…..easier. They do get easier but use those friends of yours – shout, scream, hug, cry, it all helps and those gorgeous boys will be fine, children are far more resilient and accepting than we often give them credit for. Just love them and they will get through it too xxx
Mummy Endeavours says
Hiya, just want to say what a heart wrenching post that was to read. I really feel for you and understand. It's such a difficult time but you know that it's the right thing to do and that makes you so strong, you must be proud of that. It WILL work out. xxx
Mayfair Mum says
Been out of the loop a bit so only just read this. Hope it gets better soon hon. I'm sure it feels crappy but it's clear from your words that you have a strong relationship with your kids and it sounds like you are both handling things amicably so I'm sure everything will settle down once you get into the new routine. Sending hugs and strength.