I’ve had this post playing in my mind for WAY longer than I would care for. And I’ve procrastinated about writing it, and then I procrastinated about what I would write, and then I went back to general procrastination, and then I procrastinated about writing it at all…
So I’ve come to a fork in the road.
It’s a sad fork, but I’ve been staring at it for a while.
Like, a long while.
Maybe nearly 2 years. Possibly longer.
This fork in the road, has only one possible choice for me, and 2 weeks ago, I put my foot, right there, on that path commonly known as Single Mom Of Two. I couldn’t take the other path, it wasn’t an option any more.
This one… It’s a weird path.
Bit dark. Well, there’s some light, but not much.
And it’s already lonely as fuck.
Way more lonely than when I was on the Path Made For Married People.
Thing is, we make out choices, and then we go through regret, and pain, and sorrow, and loss, and torture, and anger, and fuck knows what else. And then we go numb, and then we rebuild. But I’m not going through any of that right now. Instead, as I look down on my feet, I see I’ve already put my other foot on the path of Single Mom Of Two. I don’t care for this path very much, but I couldn’t stay on the other path. It wasn’t right any more. It was a sad path, and one that I had tried to pave with gold SO many times, with no success.
Nothing went wrong, nothing happened, no one did anything. And maybe that’s the problem. We have just drifted so far apart, The Mr and I. And it’s a really sad thing. But I saw it coming, and I did all I could. To grow “back together”.
There are some things you just can’t make happen.
I’ve grown, and developed, and changed, and re-moulded, and changed some more, and grew more, and learned, and picked up a lot of stuff. And in that time, we drifted. Worlds apart. It’s not a bad thing. It happens. And that’s ok. It’s not a crime to become very different people.
I’m stronger than I used to be, which is why I guess I can actually write this post into my blog. I toyed with not saying anything at all, but I knew that my previously protected posts would tear me apart. And the fact that I’m being horribly needy on twitter, is sure to give me away soon enough.
But mostly, most important, is that I’m not ashamed. I’m glad we, The Mr and I, have been able to deal with this like adults. We’ve cried, and talked, and I’ve hid away in the study, and tried not to be weird. But I am glad that a) I finally made the decision, b) I finally made that step and c) that we’re still friends. I couldn’t cope at ALL if this was a messy one. I’m hoping The Smalls do understand that Mommy and Daddy still love each other. I just know they won’t understand that they’re not in love with each other. But that’s ok, because they will understand in time. I want to protect them as much as possible, but make sure they understand what’s happening. I can’t be that parent who “stays together for the sake of the kids”. I’ve been a child of that, and it sucked donkey balls. It was horrible, and I remember wishing they would just end it all, already. I didn’t want to get to that point. I’d probably end up dead, before getting to that point.
There are lots of things to figure out now (accommodation – who moves out? Who stays? Separation – how the fuck? 2 years? Divorce? Custody? Jesus – finances? Oh god), and I whilst I am scared shitless of ALL OF THE THINGS, I know that I’ve grown enough to keep on learning and growing. There’s no limit to growth, and I have to pick up more things along my way. And some of those things will be a fuck ton of info I will not understand, but will come to terms with.
There are a number of things which pain me through this, to varying degrees, mostly self-imposed. Things like “well now I’m a single mom, so really I’m just an unattractive woman with unwanted and unappealing baggage”. That one is pretty harsh. Also, “well I guess now I’m a statistic, another member of the Broken Home Club”. That stings. Another popular one which floats before me is “exactly how much of a selfish uncaring asshole am I to do this to someone?” which is silly, because (whilst unjustified here within this post) The Mr and I have both been very clear on where we’re coming from. On why I have chosen to finally make this decision. The worst is “holy crap; could I BE any more lonely?”
That last one hurts, because it’s not entirely self-imposed. I don’t have family support like I know D will have. But for what it’s worth, I am SO GLAD he will have that support. It’s essential, and there will be times when he will really need it. The family support I need isn’t the family support I will get, but it’s ok. My family doesn’t work that way. It’s taken me many years to come to grips with that. There are people I may call upon, every so often…maybe. Though I know I will just as quickly push them away or avoid them. A habit I need to fix.
I have plans in place, to help me live my life as I need to, with The Smalls in whatever capacity.
It’s going to be scary as fuck, and there will be times where I’ll be certain I am broken beyond repair.
It will be lonely, more lonely than I feel now.
It’s going to hurt, and there are things which will leave me horribly raw, more so than other things which have already happened.
But if nothing else, I hope I can learn, and grow, and teach, and have adventures.
Because all I can do right now, is learn to live again.
A beautiful and honest post, you are very brave to take that step.
Thanks 🙂
Oh sweetie. Firstly massive massive hugs, some early morning cake and tea too.
I can't imagine how many things will be bearing down on you to figure out but what I do know is that you will work them out when you need to. One by one,little pieces of your new life jigsaw puzzle will fit into place and that puzzle will start to look happier and happier until it resembles the new path you will want to walk down.
What you think your children will lose out with they will gain, they will see you be brave, deal with new challenges, make yourself happy again.
Xxxx
Thanks lovely. I'm planning a LOT of things as FAST AS POSSIBLE, which seems to be helping immensely. x
Big, big hugs. X
Thank you x
Having been there I recognise so many of these feelings. It is not a short road, but in my case does have a happy ending, and I am sure your path does too. Be good to yourself and each other on the bumpy road ahead, and the sun will soon shine again. (am a horrible cliche ridden hippy, apologies….)
Heheheh thanks Sonya, I actually don't mind the hippy clichés – they appeal to me. 🙂
I hope you’re ok Jay, thinking of you x
Thanks lovely. I'm not really ok, but I sure as hell will be. 🙂
Well, that sucks. Decision made is better than not I suspect, but I really feel for you. Huge hugs.
It DOES suck. But yes, I feel strangely relieved for having made a decision and stopping the limbo stage. Thanks lovely.
I love you. And you have others who love you too.
Don't forget that you can lean on us any time you need to.
Thank you. That's all I need to know. 🙂 x
Taking that first step is hard, but the path will get easier. Onwards and upwards, always. Thinking of you *hugs*
Thank you. Onwards and upwards is the only way to go, right? *nods* x
I’m so sorry to hear this and I’m sending so much strength to you and so much love to fight that loneliness.
If you need someone to talk to, to shout at, to cry with, I’m about on Twitter most of the time, or Facebook, etc. You don’t need to be alone.
Thanks lovely, much appreciated. 🙂
So sorry to read this, but think sometimes you spend so much time agonising over the decision that you almost forget how to function. Now you’re past that point, you will hopefully find that moving forward is easier than you can anticipate. You come across as a remarkably strong woman who will do anything to protect her family and I know that this strength will see you through this stage of your life. I haven’t “been there” myself but I certainly know a lot about what you’re going through if you get my meaning. Take care and extra hugs for taking this brave step forward. As others have said, don’t feel bad for downloading, here or elsewhere; the unfollow button is there if people really don’t care! And those that do will hang around to see you through it and out the other side.
You know I am here for you whenever you need me. And even if you don't need me, I might just pop up. Sending you big squashy hugs xxx
Thank you. I have no idea how/when, but PLEASE can we go out and do wine once work eases off for you? xx
Love your honesty
You are stronger than you know
Thanks lovely. Hanging on to that one.
This post and this blog came to me through my sister. Reading it I've had to fight back the tears that have been kept back for a while. Its as though you said it for me in this post with a few minor exceptions. I have a draft of a post I have wanted to publish for a couple months but cant bring myself to do it as yet, the nearest I've come to it is stating I'm a soon to be single mum on my about me page…
I know its for the best but that doesn't stop you from feeling sad or very, very lonely. I hope it gets easier soon.
HuggLes from me to you. Thanks for being brave and sharing, I know it wasn't for me but I needed it.
Kimmi xxx
By the way your beautiful!
Ahww shucks, thank you!!!!! 😀 😀 x
Sending you virtual hugs and a whole damn butcher's shop full of bacon. Thinking of you x
Heheheh thanks BfT, much appreciated. 🙂 x
So out of the loop I have only just seen this.
You are amazing. And you are so right about the smalls knowing you both still love them both. Being adults, as you clearly both are, is vital. Having a good divorce is a damned hard thing to achieve but with the focus you two have, well it is clearly possible.
I bloody love you.
Sorry to read this. I must admit I suspected it from your protected posts, but am still saddened to hear it. You have made a brave decision and I wish you and the smalls the smoothest road ahead, and much happiness in your future.
It takes a lot more strength to acknowledge that something needs to change, and then to actually make the change, than you realise.
No excuses, just results . . . with plenty of love and cuddles for you and The Smalls who will understand that you are both doing what’s best for them in the long run.
So sorry to hear this, Jay, I've been thinking of you since I read this. It is such a tough thing to do, to make that decision when there's no "defining event" that has happened, but you just drift apart – and it's the bravest thing you can do. I wish you all happiness for the future, and know you will get there. xx
Oh lovely face. You are incredibly brave and honest and that us something to be admired. I hope you're ok xx
OMG Jay, I am stunned. I knew something was up, but had no idea it was this…
I'm SO upset for you – not that you have made this decision, but because it has left you feeling so alone. You've got way more friends than you realise – proper ones who care deeply about you and would do anything for you. I am one of them- if you need me, I'll be straight there. You've got my number, my email, my address, my twitter, my facebook – you can contact me ANYTIME.
Love you loads. Stay strong. Sending zillions of massive squishy hugs. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Awww honey xxxx.
You and your smalls will get through this and you will emerge on the other side stronger and closer and even more of a team. Hang in there
Lots of virtual hugs xxx
Just caught up. So much love and strength to you. You know where I am if you need to let off steam, right? And if you ever need a weekend away by the seaside to drink rum and clear your head, the door is open. Anytime. xxxxx
Hey… you did it… it takes balls of steel… how many people put up and shut up??? Loads. I admire you so much and despite what you think you ARE one of the strongest people I know. Sure you may need a hug along the way, don't we all though? Ask for help, don't hide, talk to people, get drunk, visit Chester… here for you always with cider, a lovely yard, a listening ear and a big booby squeeze. xxxxxxxxxx
Hey lovely, I have only just got to reading this post! Being a single mum of two myself, I'm sure your aware of my time poor situation! However, now I have read it I wanted to let you know that all these feelings your feeling at the mo will calm down. In the future you will realise that what you have done is for the best and that you will be happier for it.
I have been single now for over three years and the girls were only one when we split. I have never regretted doing so as I know my girls are growing up in a happier environment and that is all that matters. Yes, it is lonely! Yes, you may worry about money! But if its the right decision all these things will sort themselves out in time.
I'm much happier now than I would have been if I had stayed in a relationship that made me sad. I have'nt had the chance to meet anyone else yet as the girls are still only four. But I know there are guys out there in the same situation, who would be understanding of us and not look at our lives ass baggage but as life experience!
I'm going to try and read your newer posts to see how your getting on, but try to keep smiling. Its hard but I promise it will get easier, it just takes time! The first year is such a muddle but you will survive! Us women are made of strong stuff, so believe in yourself! Sending love and hugs and if you ever need to chat just tweet me @twinstiarasblog xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I'm now reading posts backwards catching up. You'll get through this and be in a stronger and happier place after. I hope the getting there is as smooth as possible for you all. x
Hey lovely, I have only just got to reading this post! Being a single mum of two myself, I'm sure your aware of my time poor situation! However, now I have read it I wanted to let you know that all these feelings your feeling at the mo will calm down. In the future you will realise that what you have done is for the best and that you will be happier for it.