My frustration is that, when I’m sinking, what I REALLY want is someone to help me not drown.
The frustration comes in that suddenly, I have no voice.
Or maybe I do still have my voice, but it can’t be heard over all the fucking noise in my head.
All. That. Fucking. Noise. In. My. Head.
I’ve been sitting at my desk for several hours, swinging violently from being ecstatic, thrilled and ridiculously excited over the current wedding I’m editing (it really is fucking amazing) through to crying my eyes out and feeling empty as fuck (current state as I type) while touching on someone get me the sleeping tablets, pronto.
The Sleepers were always my weapon of choice; perhaps because they were easy, clean, produced the desired effect. Whatever the desired effect was.
Thing is, I want to shout for help. And even when I DO shout for help, there doesn’t seem to be one person with whom I can feel comfortable venting out everything. EVERYTHING. There’s always something to hold back, something to bottle up, something to withdraw. There’s always that fucking ridiculous guilty feeling that I’m being a burden – seriously, who wants to listen to someone whine about fucked-up bullshit inside their head? Everyone has worse problems at the end of the day. Isn’t that always the case?
I find that hard to deal with. It’s hard, when shit is hitting your own fan, and you want support. And you get that support, briefly, and it’s followed by “yeah, you have noise in your head? Well if it makes you feel better, my entire family died in a contained nuclear fallout caused by a 3 year old who’s mother was a surrogate to us all and now she has to go to prison while I have to sort out the funerals and insurance. Oh, and I crashed my motorbike into a bus shelter and now I’m being sued.”
We all have problems. But as life has gone on, I’ve never found it easy to just open up to people. I WANT to, desperately. But the time never ever feels right.
And then when I do feel like I’m shouting, quite loudly, it turns out that actually, I was barely moving my lips and nobody really heard.
Which makes me feel pathetic.
Cue more tears.
There are some major shifts going on in my mind right now, and I don’t know if I can deal with them. I feel very, very broken; the only thing holding me together is the smile on my face. If that goes for too long, the cracks start to show. Somehow I have to stay strong, but I’m seriously fuck-out of energy and strength. I’m not entirely sure where I’m supposed to summon new supplies. Or maybe I’m not; maybe I should just let this consume me? I don’t even know.
Oh wait, I can’t let it consume me, because that’s giving up, and that’s selfish, and that’s more guilt, and that’s more than I ever need in my life, ever.
I’m going to do that thing where I put it all down to being very tired. I’ll cry some more, I’ll go to bed, I’ll wake up feeling like shit, emotionally and mentally exhausted, but hey. Tomorrow is another day.
I just have to do one more day, each time. That’s all. It’s easy. Sure it is.
Oh lady, I'll listen anytime you want. Just pick up the phone ok? Biggest of big love xxx
now i’m no expert, and i can’t sit here and put my finger on what you’re feeling, but based on what you’ve written i can only suggest you need to make some time for a whole ton of self care x
slow down…take it easy…grab a friend…grab some rum…and spill it all out
The hardest thing is shouting loud enough. It took me nearly 2 years, then it came out in a sort of squeak, but fortunately, I had someone who would listen and heard me. I wish I could help more or say something, that would be helpful, but talking to someone, starting to let it all out, and not trying to hold it all together, might be a start? You are strong, but sometimes you need to let someone else hold you up!
I am sure lots of people will listen (I would) and good friends dont judge. What about blognonamous?
or just write it all down to get it off your chest? Its not help bit might ease so many bottled up feelings.
Hugs
xxx
I have nothing helpful to say but sending love x
Yes everyone has stuff, and those that don't probably don't want to hear about those that do because a, they are a robot and b, depression is depressing. But keep trying to reach out, keep trying to shout until it lifts enough that things get easier again for a while.
Just caught up. One day at a time. Sleepers do help but that shit is always still there when you wake up – I know. Yell this way if you need to.
There's never anything right to say to someone when they feel like this, but I wanted to add my support. Scream, shout, whisper. Your voice is there and your feelings are real and justified. It's not a bloody competition. It doesn't matter who else feels what. Some people don't feel pain, others do. That doesn't make the injury less serious. Same here. There are people listening. You just have to have the strength to find the voice inside you to share it and feel some of the burden lifting. Take care – you are beyond awesome but sometimes awesome just doesn't cut it.
I read this a few days ago. I never do Silent Sunday these days, but I saw something today and had to snap it.
It's for you.
I'm going through hell at the moment, but I'm coming out the other end, its hard, its tough, there's tears, blood, scratches and scrapes but I am going "through" hell, I will come out the other end.
And so will you.
Kylie
It is described very aptly, I know that too (I’m an autistic woman).
To find words for you is hard … Words that are not empty words –
I send you good thoughts from the other side of the world … even if it will not help you. It will be a new day. Always.
It is described very aptly, I know that too (I'm an autistic woman).
To find words for you is hard … Words that are not empty words –
I send you good thoughts from the other side of the world … even if it will not help you. It will be a new day. Always.
Hugs, I’ll always listen xx
I wish I could offer help, I hate to read your messed up posts and cry of help and not have a clue what I can say to make it better. There must be many saying and thinking the same. Stick with us Girlie, the fun carefree times will return.
I've only just seen this post and it makes my heart ache, I wish I could reach out to you and let you pour it all out. All I can do is offer my love. x
When Curly Girl was little and I went to the really ****ing bad place in my head, I felt like talking to someone about it was going to make it real and I just couldn't cope with that. I don't have the answers but I'm sending you oodles of hugs and bacon in the hope that it helps today xx
As alone as you feel, you’re not. Don’t suffer in silence. Someone can hear you and will. Have you considered self referral with your GP for CBT or other counselling. That’s what helped me in the end. Building a trusted safe relationship with a neutral person so that I could vent and talk and not feel like I was just a white noise machine. If you ever want to talk to talk feel free to email me x
I am listening.
*hugs* You are more than welcome to chat to me, it's not a burden, there'll be no judgement, I can just listen.
There are people around you who will listen, who will hold you while you cry, use them. It's terrifying to truly let go but you need to.