This morning, I played my cello for an hour. I put it down maybe 15 minutes ago.
*Awaits applause*
It’s been fucking amazing, but not for the reasons I thought it would be, actually it’s been because I said FUCK YOU classical music.
Every time I play, I play something “traditionally classical”. Which is ironic, because I’m anything but traditional, OR classical. So, I dug out an old YouTube fave and wondered if I could play along.
Turns out, I could. And quite easily too. I’ve listened to it so many times, but never thought to play along.
And then of course, I went through the rest of their playlist, seeing what else I recognised and could play along with. I enjoyed Smooth Criminal and We Found Love WAY MORE than I thought I ever would. And an hour later, I was still enjoying playing along.
Now, my playing was FAR from accurate. FAARRRRRR from accurate. But fuck it – I can’t remember the last time I enjoyed playing so much. I didn’t touch any classical stuff. And even while I was playing, I remembered how much I enjoyed playing all the NON classical stuff. All the NON traditional stuff. The bands I used to play in, the gigs where I was electric cello on stage, the stuff that didn’t require me to follow the dots to perfection. I was so busy playing this one, that I didn’t even notice the ensemble sitting behind them at first.
I’ve just watched it again, and all I could think was “geeze what a bunch of miserable assholes.”
And then I remembered how I was made to BE one of those miserable assholes, for 26 years. A professional miserable asshole. I recalled all the times when I quite literally just wanted to rock out with my cello, and people thought I was bonkers (oh HAH!) and weird. I fucking hated that, it was a horrible, horrible feeling. Being made to be so serious. So… “contained”. That’s not me. It was never my style.
I’ve been talking to a wonderful person who reckons I’ll be back on stage one day. He only knows some of the pain I’ve been through with music. So I’m not sure he realises how much that idea repulses me. However…
However…
It sure as hell got me thinking about going back to something else. One day, maybe.
The thing is Jay, you have that talent and nobody but you can take it away. So it's always going to be there…lurking…until you decide to use it again. Because you can do that, because you are a horribly talented person and in other circumstances i would love to hate you. I hope now that you've started that train of thought – that you can use your talent in a different way – that it brings you happiness, because you dserve it, innit 😉 xx
NSM, that comment has me sitting here grinning like an idiot, trying not to blub a bit. Thank you wonderful lady. Word. 🙂 xx
So glad to year you're *enjoying* playing again hon! I remember when I quit my piano after grade 5 in 1st/2nd year. Took me about 3 years to even touch a piano again!
We have to have something that's ours that nobody can take away from us. I love music, but I suck and badly. For me the thing is writing. I wanted to be a professional, but I'm not really sure at this point. I've seen becoming a professional in the arts destroy people. I think we get sucked in and start accommodating others too much and lose our own soul. We artists of whatever flavor have a tendency to be somewhat hypersensitive.
Your writing here was inspiring to me, by the way. I'm glad you were able to get back "in tune" (please don't hurt me for that bad pun!) with your music.
Peace.
I know how much this means and I'm so very proud of you for getting here. Being creative isn't about being perfect. It's about passion, love and expression. Just like your photography. You're an amazingly creative person x
I'm so pleased you enjoyed playing again, good on you for finding something more 'you'.
Even if you don't "do something" you have this gift and this joy. You're very lucky. I wish I could play something other than feckin' Grade 8 recorder. I mean, recorder? What was I thinking. (Well, I know what I was thinking at the time – "I'm doing too much dance to fit in any music lessons", but jeez….recorder?) Sigh….
srsly, i would pay good money to see you go crazy like they did in We Found Love, and you're not wrong about the misery guts in the background. you're far too good to sit in the background anyway!
Well done lovely and you do whatever you feel is right for you x
With or Without You: Only my all-time favourite song! Loved your facebook clip & love this too; so impressed that you are able to play along!
I never made it past grade 5 on the violin. Sounds like you have a real tallent. If you can find a way that you really enjoy playing too and get something back from the process and do somthing different with it then wow!
Sounds like you have talent. I Miss having a piano. I didn’t have any talent but was pretty good and advanced. Loved having my piano to just play and let it out sometimes even if I had to follow the notes and couldn’t do it from memory.
I just play for fun these days, and it is quite liberating, however I think I will probably gig again one day, and I think maybe you will play in public too. I think the urge to share your music can be powerful sometimes. but it is also totally fine to just do it for your self.
Music is to be enjoyed, I applaud that you don't conform, that you have your ideas and so you should stick with them, if everyone conformed it would be a boring old world, enjoy what your doing and sweet music it will be, I am not musical at all, but appreciate others enjoyment of playing, stand out, be different and stay true to yourself x
Wish I still played my instruments. Really should try and find the time. In particular (my worst instrument), I've been trying to persuade my OH to have my piano back from my mum's house but he's not keen. It's the perfect one to just be able to pick up and play whenever. Hope you continue to enjoy the cello and find a way to play for you.
When I was 6 I picked up a violin for the first time. It felt like magic. When I joined an orchestra I had a family. I fit in, I had a place, there were rules, it was a haven a place of safety.
But I wanted to be a fiddler. I wanted to break rules, to play folk, country, rock, pop, I wanted to blast that thing, show it what it could really do.
I didn't really have the opportunity so Bach, Brahms etc it was.
I gave up when I left high school And I still miss it.
Play that thing, use it, make it yours. You are a not a woman who follows rules, make new ones.