I need to say stuff, but I’m not sure what it is I want to say. I’ve been frustrated a lot lately, by things, by people, by events. All sorts. By life, maybe, As my understanding of myself grows, so does my impatience with other things.
I have…support with these things. I have some sort of guidance. I have friends. I wish I was a bit more spiritual (or even, at all) because that would probably make all this head bullshit a bit easier.
And I keep telling myself it IS head bullshit, but I don’t believe it so much these days.
It’s not always bullshit.
Some of it makes perfect sense.
My head is a weird place, which I don’t understand; many people are all “Oh hells yeah, me too, yeah, totally, yeah I get you”, and then when I start talking, it’s apparent that they haven’t got a fucking clue what I’m talking about. But that’s ok, it’s not a bad thing, its just…it’s kinda sucky sitting here, quite often (previously) wondering how to deal with all this shit in my head, on my own.
I blame a lot of it on “being a creative”. Not a “creative person”, but just being A Creative. Which makes no sense, grammatically, but I think it’s a (limited) breed. Now, that might sound like SUCH a wonderfully elitist thing to say, but the problem is, I don’t always want to deal with being A Creative.
Because it’s a head fuck.
Do I wish I was “normal”? Quite often, yes.
Do I wish I was less quirky, less weird, less abnormal, less different, less…me? Again, yes. And why wouldn’t I? That would make it easier for me to fit in, right? Less of a target for people to take this piss? Less obvious to those who feel like they fancy having a little joke about someone that day?
Yeah, that would be ace. I’d LOVE to be able to control the crazy shit that flies around in my head. Some call it “eccentric”, others call it just plain fucking weird, others say I’m “trying too hard” (like, wtf. You think I try to do this shit? W.T.F. Don’t even go there.), whatever. I’d like to be able to control it, and not have to worry about it, and not feel weirded out by it.
I’ve already talked about how my wedding photography branding has changed me and opened my eyes to who I am, understanding me, a little better. A little closer. I dunno. It’s weird. I still don’t get it. Because the irony is that, people thought I was kidding? When I told people what I was going to do, and they were all “dude. You’re bonkers.” And I’m like, well, yeah, that’s why I’m putting it on my branding, because people might as well know who I am. That’s not a crime, right?
But to some, it is. Understanding yourself, and being yourself, and knowing who you are, is some sort of weird crime. Especially, especially if you don’t conform to the norm.
You know what? S’ok. I don’t often care much for who I am, but with every passing day, it surely seems easier to not fight quite so hard.
I hate “journeys” like this, because like I said, I’m not spiritual. But it’s time for shit to change.