I hate the way I look at the minute. I don’t like the pooch of a belly which I can’t seem to shift. I hate that my boobs are nearly flat. I hate that my skin, as a result of 2 ginormous pregnancies, has been stretched beyond elasticity. I hate that the lower half of my body is wobbly as hell. I hate that nothing is firm and pert, like they used to be.
It’s something I’m “supposed to accept”. Something I’m supposed to “wear like a badge of honour”. Supposed to be proud of the results of “becoming a mom”.
I wouldn’t mind so much if I hadn’t bothered to make efforts to get back to looking “presentable”, in my eyes. I’m very aware now that there are things about my body which, plainly put, I cannot “fix” without surgery. That bugs me. A lot. I might not be the healthiest person out there, but I’m sure as hell I’m no sloth.
The thing is, it’s amazing what you can hide or tuck away once you put your clothes on. Obviously I’m not wanting to walk around naked, though if I had a figure worth doing so which I was happy with, I TOTALLY WOULD. But I would just like to be able to look in the mirror at myself and not feel slightly repulsed by the body of an overweight 90 year old staring back at me. Especially, ESPECIALLY, when I still only feel twenty something in my head.
Ahhhhhh in my head. Y’know, where everything is wonderful.
The sad thing is, I spend a shit load of time working through photos of my clients, admiring how genuinely gorgeous they look. Beautiful, shining, radiant faces, figures with curves in all the right places, looking confident as anything. And so I feel like some kind of fraud when I’m there trying to convince them of this ridiculous beauty they have, which they can’t seem to see. And then I look in the mirror and hate what I see.
I’ve been hooping like crazy, and my Osteo appointments have been contributory to me wanting to be (even more) active. I’m still supposed to be taking things easy until my core is strong, but impatience overwhelms.
I want to be slimmer, and toned, and not wobbly, and pert, and not saggy.
I can’t afford to become a fitness freak, but I’ve noticed I’ve started watching numbers more often. Watching how many calories I burn, observing how many calories I take in, become more aware of my movements. It’s all good, I like that I make efforts. Not as much as some, but still.
I miss how I used to look. I miss it dearly. I miss it almost obsessively. Short of scoring on the lottery, I won’t be like I was before. This bothers me.
Just accept it? I guess so. But not without some kind of half-hearted fight.
Just accept it? never. Battle scares to be proud of? I see them more as reminders that I'll never get that person back. You need to love what you see in the mirror and feel like someone wants to shag that sexy ass – pretty difficult mental state to get back into after two kids (in my experience anyway). So do what makes you happy and helps you start feeling like you. For some it's great clothes, for some big expensive handbags, your thing is toned body parts. So be it. GOOD LUCK SEXY LADY! (I still would 🙂 )
I do get this feeling, I can love the way I look, but mostly when things are safely tucked away. Naked is another matter. My favourite time is during pregnancy as my saggy belly is full and I feel even more able to flaunt my curves, I have a confidence that I don't feel the rest of the time.
At the ripe old age of 38 I now own a body that is in the best shape it’s even been. No one told me through all those years of thinking I had to run/starved myself / jump about in an exercise class that there was a secret thing where you could eat LOADS, not calorie count and do a fitness thing where it not only got your fit it also mentally changed your life.
One word. Crossfit.
Yes it is mad, not for everyone, it hurts. But it is A M a zing. If you are up for a challenge have a google for a local box (gym) most do free first sessions
It has totally transformed my life. I am wearing shorts with pride for the first Time EVER this year.
And my starting point wasn’t fit and healthy. I have never done sports or gym before. I loathed the thought. My stomach won’t ever be flat and perfect after too many years of being bigger than it was designed to be. But I know that by doing heavy lifting it is is getting it as close to my perfect as it can be and I am so proud of my achievements there. I have gone from being able to do nothing to being able to do handstands, squat 65kg.
And food, I can’t eat enough, 4 meals a day, no counting calories just eating clean 80% of the time, eat as much good food as you want.
Really can’t recommend it enough 🙂
The thing is, I can already do all those things. I can already do squats, weights, box etc, but they are not what I want to do. Because they are not the things making a difference. I have already done those things but like I said – the things I want to fix cannot be fixed without surgery. I'm not about wanting to shovel food in my face, and I'm not about being super fit or being a gym head. It's not my style. I'd rather be out enjoying the world. So, I think you've missed my point. The problem here is that try as I might, I don't like the way I look, and even though I know I simply cannot change it now, and that I have no choice but to accept it, I just can't accept it.
Totally with you on this. Tucking my belly skin into my pants doesn't make me feel hot and sexy!
I am on a mission to fix what I can of it but as you say this costs money. Cheapest gym in town but its still money I don't want to have to spend. The weight is slowly coming off but I feel I am only replacing the flab with saggy skin.
Wish there was a magic button to press and be happy with our bodies.
YES. Belly skin. Oh god. It's not even all that bad, but it still breaks my soul a little bit that it is there. I hate it with a passion. Replacing flab with saggy skin: exactly. It's gone to a point where there is nothing to be done without surgery. If you find that button, let me know. *sigh*
The Real Cie says
The hatred of our bodies is all because society tells us we're not anything close to attractive unless we look like Playboy models. I recommend to everybody who hates their body to google and visit Dances With Fat and Fierce Fatties. While I'm not in love with my body, at least I have been able to stop calling myself fat pig and other such epithets, and I have realized that dieting does not work, in fact, it ends up making a person fatter. It doesn't matter if they call it a "lifestyle change," dieting still doesn't work. Also google Health At Every Size. I wish I'd found out about these things before being bulimic and yo-yo dieting from the time I was twelve until I was 45.
Read again. I'm already teaching people (my clients) to love how they look already. I have to, it comes with my job. I hate the way I look because I'm not comfortable with it. It's not about dieting, and I sure don't want to look like a playboy model. What I want, is to look the way I did pre-kiddos, a look that was comfortable to me, recognisable to me, a shape and size which made me feel good. I'm sorry about your bulimia and yo-yo dieting…
I feel you. I've not only got the bits that could only be fixed with surgery (HELLO boobs at my waist and all that SKIN on my belly) but I've also got a skeleton that's so fucked I can't even obsessively exercise the way I used to. That and the children who apparently want to see me mean that I can't spend six hours a day working out like the good old days.
I've written this comment three times and it keeps FUCKING logging me out. It was better the first time.
I want to be thin. I want my six pack back, and the stamina to run a whole fucking marathon rather than whimpering after a stroll down the lane.
I want a 24" waist. I want legs that don't wobble. I want an abdomen that I don't have to fold. I want boobs that face forwards and don't drop by a foot when they're freed.
I'm a blob with a hunch back and a limp.
Who'd want to shag that?!
All of this.
ALL. OF. THIS.
If it's any consolation (and I know it's not) you became my hero on Saturday at Cybher, and I loved your confidence – I loved how you would throw yourself somewhere to get the photo and I know that's not to do with how you look or feel about yourself, but I saw someone who doesn't care what others think, just sees that moment and grabs it. I want to be like that – I want that confidence back. I'm often too scared to lift my camera and take that photo and it's silly. (and I know it)
I've just lost two stone (almost) and have the saggy skin and bumps and feel horribly conscious about myself, but I'm not used to being a fat girl in a thin(ner) body, my head isn't used to it at all. People tell me I look amazing and I look over my shoulder as I think they're talking to someone behind me! But they're not. It's weird.
Also, *cough* pilates *cough* sorry. There was no Enya this week, just Michael Buble. Kill me now…
Thank you again for Saturday, it really has changed how I think about lots of things. x
Hehehe ahh thank you! I know dudes are still going on about Pilates, but I just know I don't have the sticking power for it. However, it seems that the hula hooping has already started paying off, and I'm now 2 weeks without seeing the osteo. Which is pretty spectacular, given the mental couple of weeks I've had. I do know what you mean, a LOT, about the excess skin and the like.
Weirdly, I'm not entirely sure where my "confidence" comes from; I actually tend to think of it more like a nervous energy…however, I'm REALLY glad you've built up yours. Now you just have to run and take over the world with it. 😉 x
What troubles me here is you say you want to be "skinny" (not my favourite word, it has connotations of skeletal people for me. I prefer "slim" which, in my mind, is slender and healthy) but then you say that what you want cannot be achieved without surgery. Well, healthily or otherwise, you can achieve "skinny" without surgery. What you want, and are finding it hard to accept that you can't have, is a more youthful body, as far as I can see. ..
..That is hard to come to terms with, losing youth in a society that makes youth the ideal of beauty and desirability. It's not skinny or even slim or toned that you desire, as far as I can understand and that's where you confused commenters like Jo and Cie. _Sadly, yes, you will need to find a way to accept how you are now if you want to be happy with your body. I think even surgery would still leave you with bits you weren't happy with. Maybe you should try whatever it is you do with your clients (sorry, not a regular reader of your blog so not familiar with your work) on yourself – physician, heal thyself! Good luck with being happier with yourself in the future 'cause we can't stay young forever and it's foolish to try!
Hahah yes, maybe being a regular reader will give you a better understanding of me. I rarely read back on what I've written, additionally, I don't "craft" whatever I want to say, it all just comes out in whatever form it's floating around in there. Needless to say, I never expect anyone to even try to understand what I'm thinking. 😉
And for the record, yes I actually would like to be skinny; I don't want to wobble, I don't want to be tubby, but the trade-off for getting to that stage is a body dealing with sagging skin. As for wanting to have a more youthful body, I kind of resent that statement! I have friends older than me but still have better bodies.
you want to look a way that is comfortable and (key word I think) RECOGNISABLE to you. Yes, this.
Change… Change is not easy. Visible change is not easy and matching it up with parallel mental change – particularly in regards to sense of identity and self – can be really really tricky!
There seems to be various techniques that people use… focusing on the change they can do to how they look (diet, exercise, toning, surgery, etc)
Focusing on what their body can do rather than how it looks (being proud of bearing children, strength & stamina through exercise etc)
And just knowing it is what it is and trying to see that everything and everyone is beautiful simply due to their unique and marvelous life force shining through them.
As ever, it's a HECK of lot easier helping someone else to do this work than to do it yourself – like organising and de-cluttering!
(((HUGS))) I think you're gorgeous and beautiful inside and out (and I rather think that many others do to) I hope you can find your way along the road to appreciating yourself too xx
I have never been skinny, but I have been a lot smaller than I am now. I am obese but feel so differently about my overweight body now (in my 30's) than I did in my 20's. I used to obsess about how I looked back then, but realised that wishing for something I wasn't was only hurting me. I would look at photos of my smaller days and wish I could be that person again – however, I am not that person anymore. After various things happening and different life lessons learnt as I got older I have changed into the me I am now. I do not dislike my big body, but do realise I need to lose weight to be healthier so I think if you can find a way to be who you are now and relax a bit about wanting to change. If you become so focused on it it turns into a negative (like you are experiencing now with how you feel about yourself and what you see in the mirror). As soon as I relaxed a bit and stopped being so hard on myself, I found I could make subtle changes to my diet/lifestyle without making me feel ugly or that there was no point as there was so much to change. By relaxing and finding what works for me I have managed to lose weight (14 pounds so far) and will continue to do so – slowly and without too much pressure. Best of luck to you and always remember that you are a person of value to many around you so value yourself as you are and see where that takes you.
Molly @ The Move to America
I get it, I’m not about shovelling my face full of food and I’m not a gym addict, in fact I can’t stand the places I thinks there is something unnatural about them. Yet I do try to stay fit and active, I walk the dog play with the girls and have to go to physio once a week to get back the stomach muscles my daughter tore whilst pregnant, I won’t ever have a toned tummy again too much muscle damage, instead saggy wrinkled skin. Should you find the remove saggy wrinkled skin button please let me know,
I recently bought a slendertone belt (I know, I know) to tone up my core (ain't never gonna get that 6 pack back, love) , thus allowing me not not creak and crunch, to support my back, weakened by a slipped disc and to help me do pilates without feeling like a beached whale.
Have to say, just 3 weeks on, I can really feel the difference. Much to the consternation of those who scoffed at me when I bought it.